#caleb and Molly just... feel like they were meant to go together. their stories and personalities compliment each other

[captainkingsley]

trying to focus on work but sitting here thinking about how Molly's affection for Caleb was one of the big reasons Lucien fell, and how much Caleb must've meant to Molly, how Caleb doing things like quoting "there will be time for that later" helped break Lucien because of Molly's feelings and........

[kallypsowrites]

The Anatomy of a Campaign: The Mighty Nein

Anyway, I gotta talk about this more specifically, because my mind is whirling. I just want to break down the arcs of this campaign and how Matt Mercer managed to use the backstories and choices of his players to structure and push the plot. Because of course the other players are part of the storytelling. But the way he built the scaffolding is absolutely fascinating to me and breaking it down helps me as a DM. (Spoilers beneath the cut)

Arc 1-- Settling in (Low Stakes and coming together)

When it comes to Dungeons and Dragons, you can’t begin by bringing one of your character��s backstories to the forefront. They might drop hints of their pasts, but no character is going to be open with a group of strange people they’ve just met. More than that, if a character’s past comes knocking, why would the group drop everything to help them before they formed a bond?

The first arc of a campaign is, naturally, meant for forming that bond. It’s throwing your group into low stakes situations and seeing how they handle it. It’s for fights and arguments. Its for growing pains and the beginnings of bonds. The thing that ties the mighty nein together in the beginning is, mostly, money and safety. Being able to make money and travel around with a group that can keep them safe. The kind of challenges that they’re willing to face together not out of loyalty but for personal gain. And along the way they begin to grow closer.

Early issues like the circus, competing in a fighting tournament, doing errands for the gentleman are all fun and different challenges to lock characters in with each other. But, importantly, we get hints of the characters’ pasts. Trent makes his first appearance and Caleb’s trauma surfaces frequently in battle., Nott uses fake names that hint at her true name and collects objects for a mysterious recipient. We meet the Gentleman who we later find out is Jester’s father. We learn about Beau’s journey with the Colbalt Soul and her relationship with her mentor. We hear Fjord’s “fake” accent. And Yasha keeps disappearing, hinting at a sort of detachment and difficulty getting close to people. The beacon is introduced. And of course, Molly already has those nine eyes (Though his player had no idea how they would be used).

The seeds are planted for Matt to water and grow later once the bonds between characters are more established. But he gives the characters space to grow before bringing their stories in. And he lets the players themselves figure out who their characters are and grow into them and their relationships.

Arc 2-- The Character Driven plotting begins (Molly’s Death + Fjord’s Story)

Molly’s death is the element that cements this group together. Yasha, Jester and Fjord are kidnapped and the remaining group bands together to save them. It’s the first time as a group that they have to truly put themselves on the line not for money but to save their friends. And they lose one of their own in the process. That shared grieving binds them in a way. And though Molly wasn’t supposed to die, it ended up being a major boon to the story. Both his death and Caduceus entrance. The tone of things seems to shift. There is more of a theme of death and possible death when the Grave Cleric enters.

There are some growing pains to accept a new member of the team. But it was a good moment to do it--still pretty early on and before the plot has settled. And Caduceus is the sort of person to go along with a group of people because he feels it is ‘meant to be’.

That leads to the first character focused arc--that of Fjord and his connections to Uk-otoa. His is a good first arc as the entities they dealt with were introduced in the song at the circus. It develops his character, introduces new places and characters and comes to a thrilling conclusion. It allows Fjord to make major choices that impact his characters.

But the journey to his arc is not fully focused on him. One of the amazing things about Mercer’s DMing is that while focusing on one character, other characters are ALSO getting focus and other plot elements are also being introduced. So even while Fjord’s plot takes the focus we also have:

- The introduction of Jester’s mother and learning about her father

- The introduction of the Happy Fun Ball and Yussa, a key ally

- The integration of Caduceus into the team

- One of Yasha’s first confrontations with the Storm Lord.

And of course the whole group is settling into each other even more. There is lots of opportunity for roleplay and while many of the choices are on the PCs, Matt gives space for them to make those choices and have those conversations. Allowing space is one of the most important things a DM can do. Not rushing. Just leaving things open.

By the end of the arc, the characters have overcome one of their first major events as a group and they are stronger for it. And they are ready to tackle helping their other friends solve their problems

Arc 3-- Raising the Stakes (Nott/Veth and Caleb’s Stories + Yasha’s Disappearance)

This is where I really got invested in the campaign. It was such a weaving of the character’s stories and such a great example of Matt rolling with the punches of his players. The sudden and shocking reveal that Nott was once Veth the Halfling. The fact that her husband was working with a wizard of the very assembly that burned Caleb so badly. Suddenly, two characters’ stories come crashing in, forcing them to confront more dangerous circumstances than ever. And the desperation of these circumstances and the bond between these two characters and all the backstory leads to Caleb making a drastic but amazing choice--giving up the beacon to the Bright Queen.

It wasn’t something Matt expected, but it was something he immediately rolled with. Suddenly, the characters were working behind enemy lines. Sympathizing with the enemy. Trying to push for diplomacy. But because it was so good for Caleb’s arc with the Cerberus Assembly and Beau’s arc with the Cobalt Soul and Veth’s arc getting her husband back, he shifted his plans quickly (which is what a good DM does).

It also gives him room to introduce perhaps the most beloved NPC--Essek--someone intended to be a villain who was of course adopted by the party. Him letting Essek get attached to the party (because of their constant efforts to befriend him) shows that he was willing to change the trajectory of an NPC because of the choices and roleplaying of the players. No doubt he was meant to be a mirror to Caleb. But his natural development of his character made the betrayal that much more effective and his redemption arc that much more heartwarming.

It would have been enough to have these characters major arcs as the focus here. But he ALSO found a way to tie in Yasha’s story not only to keep her involved but to prepare for the fact that Ashley was going to be gone for a span of episodes. By having one of their own taken, he raised the stakes yet again and made a clever story decision to account for the absence of a player. There are so many threads at play here and the characters are able to role with them because at this point they are a thoroughly united party.

Arc 4-- A Player’s Absence (Yasha, Beau and Caduceus Story + The Tying of Loose Ends)

Arc 4 is perhaps the arc where Matt balances the MOST character stories/arcs. The search for Yasha and Obann takes us to a place of significance for Caduceus--which becomes a significant place for Fjord as he casts of his old patron for the Wild Mother.

The search for a cure for Veth becomes significant for Caleb and Veth’s relationship as well as the dynamic between Essek and the party. And THEN it further ties into Beau’s story as we find out the hag that transformed Veth and blessed Beau’s father are one in the same. And then to get to the hag they end up going to Gentleman for help where Jester’s arc of finally discovering who her father is comes to it’s climax. This is, sidenote, also when Laura Bailey claims one of the best beats in the story with the Hag (a great mix of player choice and DM improv happening there).

The search and rescue for Caduceus’ family also happens in this arc AND the rescue of Yasha. Veth becomes a halfling again, concluding her most important story beat. And on top of that the LARGER plot (the truce between two countries) resolves itself as well, bringing with it the reveal of Essek’s treachery.

I’m probably most in awe of this arc. In how it brings everyone in and gives everyone a chance to shine. In how it makes all the players invested. In how Matt gives each of them the chance to change their fates and the fates of others. And with the endless opportunities provided and unexpected decisions made, he manages to land the plane on the story that has been building for the last several episodes. Every PC is different at the end of this arc than they were at the start in some way. And some of the NPCs too. And what a sight it is to behold.

Arc 5-- A Turning Point (Jester + Caleb + The beginning of the true plot)

Of course, the last arc isn’t the final arc, and there are still character threads to follow. The story once again focuses in on a specific character more thoroughly for a bit. Like Fjord got focus in Arc 2, Jester gets focused in Arc 5, but it works because Jester may be the most beloved amongst the Nein.

Of course, Matt uses this to connect the campaign back to campaign 1 in a small way and to introduce the big bad--the malevolent city in the Astral Sea. Now that the group is strong and connected enough, they are finally ready for the climb toward the final showdown.

Jester’s arc with the Traveler is resolved. And while the other characters still have important beats to go (particularly Caleb), many of their most major issues have been dealt with. So there is now space to make the story plot driven again.

Naturally, in the search for the main plot, they return to Caleb’s past, the hardest past to return to, to deal with his issues and set them toward their conclusion. We are truly introduced to Trent Ikithon (the final encounter of the arc) and we are reintroduced to Molly, now Lucien, as the big bad.

The group was truly united when Molly died. And now they all come together again to deal with Lucien. It comes full circle in a beautiful way.

Arc 6-- Conclusions and Reflections (Molly/Lucien and the conclusion of arcs)

The final arc is masterful in that, despite being plot driven and barreling toward a particular goal, it gives closure and ties up all the final loose threads.

Of course Lucien/Molly is the focus here. Pursuing him. Travelling with him. Fighting for their friend. The way that they all appeal to him in the final fight. The way that he returns but not the same after Caduceus god tier role. The way they finally become nine. All of that is beautiful. But the characters have their own individual resolutions within the main plot.

Fjord kills Avantika at last on the trip north and rescues the Cloven Crystal to prevent Uk-otoa from being brought back.

Yasha finally claims the storm lord and is able to move past her lost love to confess to Beau.

Beau is able to do the same with Yasha and finally is given closure that being sold off to the Cobalt Soul was NOT right and that her hurt at the beginning of the campaign was valid.

Veth is forced to confront the danger adventuring puts her family in when her son almost dies and it solidifies her decision to return to family when the campaign is done.

Jester sees her mother and father finally reunited after essentially parent trapping them.

Caduceus must defend the grove one last time at the end, as well as his family, and his arc as a healer is very neatly tied up with his resurrections of Molly.

Essek returns to the group to continue his redemption arc, becoming one of the nine and saving them many times

And Caleb finally is able to put down his old master, reconcile in some way with his school friends, and begin the hard work of bringing the Assembly to its knees.

Yasha and Beau come together. Fjord and Jester stay together. Caleb and Essek are said to one day come together once they have healed a little more. Veth and Caduceus are with family. And Molly becomes Kingsley and goes off on his own adventures.

There are some things left open, but it is as it’s should be. They all have more healing and growing to do, but their stories have been brought to a close.

In Conclusion

I’ve been rambling for a while, but I want to reiterate that obviously not all of this is Matt. The players make choices and many of them amazing choices. But the mark of a good DM is that he sometimes pushes certain plot threads or character moments, but also gives room for his players to expand on their own stories.

Matt pushed things like the confrontations with Avantika. With Ikithon. With the hag. But in the space he allowed for Fjord to change patrons. For the Nein to befriend Essek. For Jester/Laura to work her magic time and time again. And he took their choices and ran with them.

But this story is paced so well, in the end, because of the scaffolding he provided and the brilliant way he tied the stories of his PCs together throughout. And that is something special.

[theregoesmylurkerstatus]

So... I have a lot of thoughts on the finale. I've deliberately kept my mouth shut, more or less, on the campaign overall because I'm a firm believer that you can't pass judgement -- at least not complete judgement -- on stories until they're over and done with.

Well, it's done! Kind of crazy. I've been watching Critical Role with almost insane consistency, viewing almost every single episode live, with maybe five-ish exceptions, since episode 19, and I've been blogging it for, what, two and a half years?

It's a weird feeling. It's been such a constant thing for me that I'm always gonna have love for it and remember with a lot of fondness.

...Which is in spite of the fact that I can now comfortably say I'm pretty eh on the ending. I know not being positive about something most of us have loved a lot for a very long time can sting a bit, but I personally think it also stings when people relentlessly crow over how good they think it is or want it to be, to the point where you feel you can't voice your absolutely valid upsets or dissatisfactions. So, here goes, if anyone's interested! I'd be curious to see other opinions, too!

I actually drafted a post talking about my overall frustrations with the campaign a whole two weeks ago, and then scrapped most of it when 140 blew me out of the water. I was really touched, and really happy. I hadn't expected it, but it shockingly felt right, you know?

Unfortunately 141 robbed me of most of that satisfaction and brought me right back to neutral.

The blanket statement you have to make, of course, is that you can’t criticise this as a DnD game, and you can’t be mad at the cast for playing it in a way they think is best for them. They’re the players, Matt’s the DM, and in the end it makes no sense for them to try to make themselves act how they think the audience wants them to, and I’m sure most of the audience wouldn’t like the result anyway.

That said, there is an audience. And that’s where I see this clash coming in. As a DnD game, as long as the players and DM have all enjoyed it and been satisfied, it’s a successful game! But for us, it’s not a DnD game. For us, we’re watching a story be written in real time through the medium of an RPG. And while as a DnD game you can’t fault it, as a piece of media, I completely get why the way things have gone has sat weirdly for a lot of people.

It's not satisfying to see so many character hooks dealt with so quickly or left as an offscreen "and then you do it." If they don't want to keep playing to dive into it, absolutely, but for us who have been watching this as a story with all these character elements get so built up, it's a huge anti-climax.

Which is a lot of what this campaign has been, really.

Oh, Nott’s cursed! But through a really cool character moment that problem is completely taken care of with no consequences we see. Yay, I want her to be Veth and that was an iconic move from Jester! Still, it kind of feels like this was built up to be a big problem and at the first success it was let go... Caleb's got a really intense frightening past he tries to hide, I wonder how the Mighty Nein will respond? Oh, they found out, but it's not a difficult revelation for anyone. Looks like it's easy for them to move past it and forgive. Yeah, that's healthiest for the characters, but huh, kinda undercuts it as a storyline or point of interest. Oooh, Avantika’s back! Ah, they’ve killed her and grabbed the eye again. I mean I don’t want them to die or for Uk’otoa to be free, but I’m starting to feel like that’s not much of a threat anyway. The Traveler’s been kidnapped! Nah he hasn’t, he tried to save Jester so he was let go with no further issue, and also he wasn’t actually in any danger anyway. Oh... Cool. So... Why should I care or be worried?

And these are just the biggest ones I remember being kind of let down by. I wanted to see them STRUGGLE for the successes to have meaning. To my view, threats of failure -- real failure -- really decreased the more the campaign went on, with a few exceptions.

Because don't get me wrong, we've definitely had struggles, and those have made for some of the best moments! Molly’s death, Yasha’s kidnapping, Yeza’s imprisonment. When failures that were threatened are allowed to occur, it’s far more gratifying when it’s followed by success, because you understand that that success was actually necessary. It shows us that what they do really means something.

Honestly, that's why the final battle really shut me up, because nothing makes you quite feel stakes and failure like having two PCs die, and having a resurrection ritual fail -- AND knowing that failure would be delivered on, had it not been for a seemingly miraculous roll of the dice to turn it around. One of the greatest failure's -- Molly's death -- made the success of his resurrection put a lot of my other issues to rest immediately, because to be honest? Molly's resurrection was the biggest success of the campaign, exactly because it was originally the biggest failure.

But this episode, we got to see the other side of making threats and successes feel disappointing -- when you get the impression that success was robbed from you. Again, their characters, their choices, but to have them roll an intervention to get Molly's soul, to convince Molly to come back with his own possessions they've so loved, after so long and so many struggles... only to apparently not get Molly at all?

Changed, of course. Memories, maybe he'd never get them back, though that seems inconsistent to how the initial resurrection was played and Matt's hints. It even makes sense that not having his memories and being a bit different, he might forge a new identity, but insisting Molly was a different person entirely after such a supposed hard won success to get Molly back, especially after what his death meant to the audience and potentially healing that old wound? It robs the narrative of a LOT of catharsis, at least for me and I know many others.

Trent, too, I'm very up and down on. He was so built up -- and what fun that build up had -- and I very much disagreed with the idea that the best story would be dealing with him offscreen.

It's true that you don’t need to explicitly address, confront, or explore every big aspect of character's story hooks and background ties for PCs to move past them and grow healthily. But that does not make it a satisfying viewing experience. People quietly healing in real life is healthy. People quietly healing in an explosive fantasy setting is frustrating for the audience.

What on earth is the point of a story if you don��t get to SEE THE ESTABLISHED CONFLICTS go anywhere? A lot of the characters got distant, quiet resolutions, if that, to everything we wanted to see.

Except, we did get to see Trent. It was a really fun, inventive battle, from opening to conclusion, but much like Travelercon, much like Nott's/Veth's problem with the hag, these were things that the audience in general wanted to see be really dug into and explored, and every single one of them got, in my opinion, quickly tidied up instead. Trent got beaten in the first and only proper battle they had with him, which, after all his build up, is pretty disappointing for a villain many of us wanted to see be a big deal. It really just felt like they were trying to tidy up to get on with the epilogue, which is not what a lot of us were looking for with Trent especially.

And that's how most of their endings felt to me. It didn't feel like any of them had reached a comfortable conclusion. Literally all of them, bar Veth and Caduceus, continued on their character journey threads, without each other and very quickly. Meeting Yasha's tribe and Vandran, Caleb finally openly debating changing time for his parents, Trent and Zeenoth's trials and the changing of the guard at the Assembly... All were things it would have been so fun to have all the PCs react to and explore together, and instead they were fleeting encounters in the latter half of a seven hour finale.

Is all this, from Molly not really coming back to Trent being a finale side plot to the Nein continuing on their individual journeys, potentially realistic to how these fantastical things might go down in real life? Sure! But that's not necessarily a good thing.

Stories THRIVE on conflict and resolution. That’s what makes them FUN! Conflict isn’t nearly so fun in real life and resolutions are often frustrating question marks, so no, past a certain point I don’t WANT stories to be realistic. I want stories to be SATISFYING.

And campaign 2 has fallen far short of the mark.

I haven’t spoken... Basically a word of this for most of the campaign, because as I said I’m a firm believer that you can’t necessarily judge something until it’s over, and because I ALSO firmly believe that being negative WHILE trying to enjoy something is counterproductive. I have had no interest in spoiling or naysaying the fun of the campaign for anyone, least of all myself.

But it's done now, and all I can say is... I really have had fun. I love the characters. I love their relationships. I’m pretty okay with where they’ve ended up. I’m not mad, really, and I’m still going to think of this campaign with a lot of affection. But it hasn’t been a satisfying story, even though for a week following episode 140 I thought, despite all the brushed over story threads, it might be.

So... to try and reclaim some of that satisfaction for myself, I might ignore some aspects of the finale proper. Namely Kingsley specifically. Taliesin's choice -- but to me, it's pretty clear that who we saw at the end of 140 was Molly, and the tags on my posts will reflect that, just as my 141 tags will be for both Kingsley and Molly, for clarity's sake. I personally want to believe Molly did come back, however others might want to interpret it. The victory in 140 that meant so much to me is hollow otherwise, and it just kind of hurts that we would lose Molly after everything. I was okay with him being dead -- I'm not so okay with his resurrection being stolen.

Kingsley will always be canon, but Molly is what I choose to acknowledge. I get if you don't like that take, and that's okay! I didn't care for canon's in the end. That's the good thing about storytelling, is that no one can stop you from making your own versions.

For the people who are hopefully hyped for campaign 3, heck yeah have fun! I’m on the fence. My investment, which... I think I can objectively say was pretty substantive as this blog will attest, doesn't feel rewarded, so I’m not convinced I can faithfully keep up for over three years all over again with a strong possibility that I will once again be left disappointed. It's been a huge chunk of my life, and... yeah!

I’ll take a break, probably, view (and liveblog, if people want!) campaign 1 when I’ve had a mental stretch and vacation, and then... I might start campaign 3. I definitely won’t be able to put the same time in it I did campaign 2 (my first love no matter what), knowing that it’s likely to not be so vindicated, in the end.

I swear I’m actually writing this in fairly good humour, but I totally get its always disappointing when the people you come to for fandom enjoyment just aren't sharing your fun. Honestly I’m half tempted to write all those frigging AUs I have sitting around! But I wanted to say my piece, and try and logically outline why this ending has been lacklustre for so many people, ultimately myself included.

Episode 140 felt right because it felt like a natural conclusion -- these disparate people coming together and finally being whole, finally soothing the hurt that MADE them so long ago. Episode 141 spat on that sentiment -- they all scattered to the winds, not as happy people to live out their dreams, but as confused people chasing up loose threads towards an unknown future, with the friend they thought returned still lost to them, ultimately.

It doesn't feel like the ending we should have gotten for the Mighty Nine, who were finally, finally all together. Until they weren't. So to me? I choose to acknowledge that they were, even if I have to force it to happen post-epilogue in my head.

[saphirered]

I Don’t Hate You (Vagrant pt3.)

The lady at the front desk gives you a dirty look as you come straggling in, leaving a wet trail behind you, boots sopping with an equally disgruntled expression on your face. You toss her a coin, if only to be done with it all and go back up the stairs. There you see, Fjord is no longer sitting in the hallway and probably either has gotten himself a room of his own or Molly’s taken mercy upon the half-orc and let him sleep peacefully and undisturbed in their shared room. A sense of dread still lingers as you approach your door and you take a sip from the opened bottle in your hand, hoping to find some courage to push you over the edge and just get it over with. You can see the hint of orange light bleeding through the small gap. 

When the door opens Caleb looks up from his book, or well, your book. You look like an absolute mess and he knows you know you do. It’s an unspoken agreement to not comment on this fact made in that brief moment of eye contact, for both of your sakes. 

“Do not question my terrible life’s choices, Widogast.” You grumble as you let yourself fall backwards on your bed. You don’t even have the energy to magic away the remainders of the rain that kept you company from your soaked person. Well, that or the fact that the droplets rolling down your skin hid the tears from the panic attack and brief existential crisis you had on that rooftop before you came down. 

Caleb puts down the book, gets up from the bed and slowly and carefully inches over to your side of the room. He hesitantly sits down on the edge. You have half the mind to kick him off just because but can’t find the energy to do so. Despite your distaste for magic users like him, being alone after your mental breakdown you just experienced, really sucks. Caleb pats your knee awkwardly in an attempt to comfort but not wanting to cross any boundaries. It’s pathetic, he knows because one can hardly fix a stab wound by slapping on a bandaid. His own past experiences have left him a tad bit at a loss when it comes to comforting a person in pain, especially one so stubborn and crass as you have been towards him. 

Still, Caleb has figured out your hatred isn’t directed at him personally. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out it’s people with abilities like him that have played a part in your past causing you pain and suffering and the wound is still very fresh, hence your trauma being reflected onto him, despite his complete lack of involvement in your before the moment you met. It may not have helped that your hostility towards him hasn’t exactly encouraged him to try and build a proper relationship with you. He hardly even knows you yet still he feels as if he knows your tells, the things you go through and why you act like you do. He may not know the details of your life but he feels safe to say he knows you better than any of the others. 

It’s not his lack of knowledge and insight into your life beyond what’s surface and what he can read off you that holds him back. It’s the fear of what he might find within you that will tear open wounds of his own he’s worked so hard to cover up. It’s the fear you might be one step ahead of him in a similar story and there is no hope for people like you and him after all. It’s the fear those you run from are the same people he has tried so hard to escape. It’s the fear of you, that you might be each others’ salvation, or undoing because he knows what he has the capability to become, what you could become. 

But here you lie, upon your bed curled up, traces of tears long since fallen, possibly even ran out, tightness in your throat, indents of your nails in your palms from clenching too much, frustration and anger in your eyes is still overwhelmed by pain and hopelessness and a wish the void would just come and claim you, where you no longer fear the consequences of running and will be able to obliterate those who caused you so much hurt, or die trying in the process. Caleb is reminded of himself in that cell of his own, for years, a broken mind piecing itself together from the shambles it was left in, barely a shell of what it used to be. 

When he promised himself he would do anything and everything in his power to take down these tormentors and their accomplices so no one would ever have to suffer like he had, still is suffering, Caleb didn’t expect to find you. He still remembers himself begging, praying, screaming just to not be alone, to have someone tell him there is still hope and not all is lost. There’s still good in this wretched world and if the world turns bleak, it’s up to you to be that good despite everything. Those were the pretty words and empty promises of a dreamer but does that make them a lie? 

“Don’t patronise me. I’m not some fragile broken child in need of mothering.” Caleb retreats his hand, clasping them together in his lap as he studies your face. Your eyes are cold, your expression matching. A mask, he knows. A way to protect yourself. 

“Good. Because I have no intention of doing so. I want you to be blunt and truthful and I don’t want you to hold back. I want you to humour me and answer some questions.” You raise an eyebrow expecting there to be something behind Caleb’s request but his stare is unreadable, like a practiced mask of his own. 

“You want me to be blunt and give you a peace of my mind?” You humour. You’ll tell the asshole okay. You’ll bicker and fight and quarrel if that’s what he wants no problem. Maybe a battle of wits and words will get you back into your groove. 

Little do you know that is in fact not what Caleb is looking for. Not exactly. He isn’t looking for a fight. He’s looking for answers, how to help you despite your differences because no one deserves to go through this, especially not alone. So because of that, he will not humour you in turn with his usual reply to your attempts to push him. He doesn’t intend this to end in another futile empty argument. Not now. So he’ll drop the game and go straight for the jugular. 

“Why do you hate me?” You freeze at the abrupt and sudden question. Caleb knows you don’t really hate him personally but coddling you won’t work and some things you’ll have to realise by yourself first. Finding the strength to lean up on your elbows you tilt your head at him as a half smirk creeps upon your lips.

“Because you’re an egotistical self-serving bastard who cares for nothing but himself and the people useful to him, until they outlive their usefulness.” The words are meant to cut like knives and usually you’d get a rise out of Caleb by such a statement but when you don’t see any response to your words, nothing but those blue eyes staring into yours so… unbothered, it feels as if those knives are turned onto you instead. You’re not quick enough to get rid of that tiny hint of guilt slithering across your features. 

“Why do you hate me?” Caleb asks again, voice still calm like it’s the most unremarkable question ever. He could have asked you about the weather with that tone. 

“Because you’re an asshole.” 

“Why do you hate me?” 

“Seriously? I already gave you an answer. Was I not clear the first time?” That guilt in your stomach starts growing, festering. There’s something in your mind pushing through but you try to fight it off, not liking the thought of being faced with those emotions. You’ve worked too hard to push them away. 

“Just answer the question. Why do you hate me?” Caleb sees you struggle. Your first answers where in the blink of an eye, a defence mechanism slipping into place. That works, for a while, until it doesn’t, until you start questioning it and give yourself a moment to think.

“Because…” Because you’re a coward. Because you run from your problems. Because you leave other people to swipe up the mess for you. Because you’re a monster to blame for the pain of others. Because you’re to blame for your own pain. Because you couldn’t save them. Because. Because. Because. Those are not reasons you hate Caleb. You take in a sharp breath, clenching your jaw in anger, nose scrunching holding at bay the curses from passing your lips and the threat of all your emotions from spilling out like a breaking dam. 

“Why do you hate me?” The words now, do not sound void of emotion, but instead are filled with a warmth and pity. Damn him! Damn him to the hells and abyss! When you don’t answer he repeats it again. Caleb gives you amicable time to answer, leaving a long silence to give your mind the time and space to think for itself, analyse and process and you hate every second of it because you can’t stop it. The cracks in the walls you’ve tried to hard to build become more apparent by the second. He asks again. 

“I don’t bloody hate you!” You shout, pretty sure you may just have woken up the entire floor. The silence after the words leave your lips is deafening. 

“Then what do you hate about me that causes you to act the way you do?” Your hands clench back into fists, your nails pressing down again in the still tender skin from but minutes ago. You don’t want to say it. You really don’t but that pain raging through your body wants to get out and you feel the floodgates opening inch by inch despite your efforts to fight it. Then there’s that voice in the back of your mind; maybe speaking the unspoken will give you some peace. 

“I don’t hate you! I just hate what your remind me of. It’s like you’re here to personally torture me so please just leave me alone to suffer, get over it and move on.” You don’t want to remember the last time you pleaded for something, and had hoped to never plead for anything again yet here you are. 

“I am going to give you a choice and I’ll only offer it once, so listen very carefully.” You’ve never seen Caleb look so intense, so genuine, and so determined. You can’t do anything but listen so you nod, signalling him to continue and that you’re paying attention to his every word and not to twist them for your own amusement for once. Whatever previous relation, or rather lack thereof you’ve had is gone now. There’s only you two, in a place of vulnerability and without judgement. 

“You’ve got two options. One; you tell me to piss off, like you usually do. I’ll go back to bed, back to sleep and leave you alone. We will never speak of this again, never mention this and go our separate ways. We will remain cordial when interacting and won’t let our own grievances get in the way of the others.” You take in the words, nodding to confirm you understand. 

“Or two; you and I are going to talk. You are going to tell me what you wish, and can tell me provided it’s the truth and I will listen. If you wish to tell me your life story I will listen. If you wish to tell me all your troubles I will listen. If you wish to share your pain, I will listen. And know that I will help you if you’ll allow me to. Because if you keep doing this on your own, let the guilt and grief and pain swallow you whole, I know exactly where it will lead. Do not allow it to be your undoing, or turn you into a person beyond your recognition.” Midway through his offer your eyes have closed and your brow furrows. You bit your lip and that combined with the movement of your eyes behind your eyelids are the only indication to Caleb you’re still listening to him. 

Caleb gives you time. He doesn’t expect an answer right away. That’s not how this works but he does study you, attempting to get an inkling of what’s going through your mind. He feels warmth wrap around his wrist, glancing down to notice your fingers have wrapped around it and hold on tightly. You’re holding onto a lifeline and he knows it. 

“Why?” Your, words a pained choke, you don’t dare open your eyes, don’t trust the look in Caleb’s eyes to tear down what last defences you had up and turning you into even more of a broken mess. 

“Because despite what people might have you believe, there is still good in this world.” You’re unable to stifle a sob, feeling a tear slide down your cheek. 

“I’ve not known much kindness in my life but I feel confident in saying this is the kindest thing anyone has ever offered me. It’s why my pervious actions and words towards you make me feel like an absolute ass even more. I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me.” You release Caleb’s wrist, feeling grounded once more despite the buzzing in your head and twiddle with your fingers awaiting a response, the tense air slowly lifting as you sit in peace and silence. 

You nod, wiping at the corners of your eyes before you open them, a bit more red and puffy than they were before you entered the room. You finally look at the wizard and take in a deep breath before nodding again. If it were anyone else, any other moment you might have said no. You’d even have laughed at whoever tried this emotional shit on you. But it’s time. You’re not getting any better nor can you repress everything forever. It’s time to face some of these troubles head on. Luckily you won’t have to do it on your own. It will take time and effort and it’s going to hurt like hell but it has to be done. You have to move on and learn how to live. You owe it to yourself, if not the people you’ve left behind. 

“Now this doesn’t mean we’re going to be best friends from now on. You’re still an asshole and so am I so don’t think I’ll let you off easy for your comments and the trouble you cause.” The corner of Caleb’s lips turns up slightly as he speaks and you mimic his expression.

“I don’t think anyone else could handle it, so I’m sorry to disappoint but you’re definitely stuck with me, Widogast.” You muster a smile, exhausted. It’s mutually understood the conversation as per your agreement won’t happen right here, right now but instead when you’re both ready. For now, at least you won’t pretend to hate each other anymore and start over. 

“Hey, Caleb?” You ask.

“Yes?” He answers but before he knows it your arms wrap around him and pull him into your embrace. Caleb’s form goes rigid shocked by not only the gesture but by the physical touch itself. After a good few moments he finds himself ease just a little, enough to return the embrace lightly.

“Thank you.” You whisper.

[khadij-al-kubra]

Storytelling, Fate & Happy Endings

I’m still processing last nights episode (CR C2 Ep140), and much like every critter I’m SUPER emotional about it. But something about last night’s events and how they played out really got to me, not just as a fan but also as a storyteller. And even the day after, i was actually crying (still am crying in fact) more than i did last night watching it happen. At first i thought it was because i’m a fairly new critter and this is my first time watching a campaign come to an end. But the more i think about it and process, the more i realize that’s not just it. This effected me as someone who deeply believes in the power of storytelling and how it can not only effect but reflect the world around us. And because I have to get them out of my head, here are my thoughts on why last nights episode was so important, not just for CR fans but also as a an important narrative for right now.

...Yeah that’s a bit vague, isn’t it? Okay, let me explain. If you’re willing to take the time to read fellow Critters, I greatly appreciate it in advance. ^__^

WARNING: Major spoilers for CR Campaign 2 Episode 140 ahead. Also it’s gonna get kind of meta. And long. Because i have a lot of thoughts & feels.

So I think it’s fair to say that, as much as we would’ve been devastated by any of the M9 perma-dying in the last battle, part of us wasn’t expecting them all to make it out of there alive. Not even the players, I think, despite how much they likely didn’t want that to happen. Just look at the half-resigned way Liam talks about Caleb in the last few Talks Machina episodes. Or how, in game, Jester was fully prepare to die trying to stop the city from coming back. And for a while there, it seemed like some of them might not survive.

But then they did. Despite so many crappy rolls throughout the night they stopped Lucien, set free all the souls trapped in Aeor, saved Exandria, and brought each other back from the dead. Not only that, but they also did the impossible: They saved Mollymauk. Their lost friend who had such a deep impact on all of them even after his death. The delightfully charming asshole who was so full of joy and life and who, despite how the world treated him, was happily determined to leave every place better than he found it. Moreover, they almost didn’t succeed! But then they did, all because of teamwork, love and one last minute ditch effort ‘what-the-hell-have-i-got-to-lose’ dice role that none of them saw coming. And now they get to go home together, truly as The Mighty NINE.

Just this once, everybody lived! We got a happy ending!

And that’s HUGE in game...but also think for a second how that reflects outside of game too. Do you realize what a story like that means to people, especially given the year from Hell we’ve all had?

Think about it. This past year the world has suffered. We’ve all been impacted by the pandemic in some way shape or form, either on small levels or large. Our world has been at war with a virus that effected everyone and everything: Our sense of safety. Our health. Our economy. Our families & friends. Our freedom. (in the sense of our ability to travel & just be in close proximity to people without fear, but i digress) Deeply imbedded social and systematic diseases have been brought further to light in the past year and a half largely because of this virus. Some of us have lost people we love. Hell, the pandemic even effected the way that the latter half of Campaign 2 played out because of social distancing protocols. If you further compare this to Campaign 2, the world of Exandria was caught in the middle of a war that started because of social & systematic corruptions that had been rooted in two opposing kingdoms for years. And so many suffered and died because of it.

Then the Mighty Nein comes in. This ragtag group of delightful assholes with nothing to lose; these flawed but inherently good at heart and deeply human adventurers, broken and lost in their own ways, trying to make a home and family for themselves in a world that took advantage of them or left them alone or said they weren’t good enough...and they changed things. 

They grew. They fought back. They found moments of silliness and peace and joy and fun amidst all the strife and sometimes grief. Most of all, they tried. Sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of spite, sometimes even out of compassion, but mostly just out of love. And in the end, not only did they help people and stop a war for the sake of their loved ones, but they also saved their world from being destroyed by a rotted perversion of life from the past that threatened to consume everything they cared about. AND they STILL managed to bring everyone in their found family back to life. Does it erase the bad and sad things that happened to them? Hell no! But those things don’t negate the fact that in that moment, they made it out okay. That this was a victory and they won!

Think of what a story like that means to people right now.

I’m personally a pretty spiritual person, and much like our favorite clerics, I also believe in a higher power. But whether or not you also believe in a Divine being, the Universe or whatever, every D&D player believes in one thing: Fate. Luck. Call it what you will. But it was fate that made those dice rolls that saved everyone happen. It was fate that not only stopped Cognoza from returning, but also brought Jester and Caleb and Molly back to life, even when it seemed like it wouldn’t work. (and holy shit that gave me emotional whiplash!) 

After everything they went through, both individually and together, the Mighty Nein defied the odd and demanded that Fate let them save their loved ones. They demanded that the world give them back their friend; That they deserved to have their happy ending & get to go home alive together. Just. This. Once.

As a writer, I know firsthand that there are some stories we find and create ourselves, but then there are stories that have a way of finding us. Sometimes a story or world or character from somewhere in the Aether will pop into our minds one day and say, ‘I need your voice to tell my story.’ Maybe this is just me getting carried away with the meta brain again. And like i said, i’m a spiritually inclined person, so I believe in things like Fate and a Divine Higher power writing out the stories of the Multiverse. If you’re reading this (and thank you for taking the time to do so) maybe you do too. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, if you’re a fellow critter, then you’re clearly a fan of good stories and/or playing Dungeons & Dragons. So you know how fate/dice roles have a big impact on the outcome of a story, regardless of how tightly written a setup the dungeon master makes. Given all that and how organically stories tend to play out in D&D, I genuinely believe that Matt Mercer and the whole CR Team were meant to be conduits for a story where the flawed heroes save the world AND all make it home alive.

And I think Fate knew that we needed last nights battle to end like this. After all the crap we’ve been through this past year, we needed this happy ending, deserved it even! Not just us critters, the CR team too. As much as we all like to joke that Campaign 2 was secretly scripted, we all know that’s not true. Yes, the setup storyline and world were brilliantly crafted by Matt, and the character roleplaying is beautifully acted out by the team. But the twists and turns, the direction it goes, and how the game plays out is all up to fated dice rolls just like any other game. And something, some kind of force of luck, some force of fate, some Universal Divine DM out there made the roles happen the way they did last night.

It gave us a happy ending.

I believe that this was meant to happen; now of all times with everything else going on in the world. Amidst all this darkness and rot, both in game and in the real world, in the end of it all there was light and life. A reminder that sometimes people do live. They do get second chances. They do find a new family or reunite with old ones. That sometimes the world can be saved for a time, and happy ending do still exist. Even if it’s not broadcasted on the daily news amidst tragedy reports, or even tragedies that don’t get reported (which sadly are a lot, but again i digress).

Because the thing is, like Beau said, no one else will probably know they were heroes. No one will know what the Mighty Nein sacrificed to save all of Exandria. But they don’t need to know that for it to still be true, for life to happen again, and for a found family of nine broken people who love each other to go home together safe. It doesn’t invalidate that the good things happened. That at least for today everyone was saved. That flawed people were still able to do good because they tried. That they left the world better than they found it and got their own small but satisfying happy ending. Even if only for now, because we don’t know what’s gonna happen next Thursday. We don’t know what the future will hold for the Nein or Exandria when the Campaign ends or even when (hopefully) some loose ends will be tied up in later oneshots. But neither that nor the bad and sad stuff that happened beforehand in the game and in the character’s lives invalidates the fact that tonight they won. They lived.

So why can’t that be true for us in the real world?

I said earlier that, as a writer, I believe in the power stories have to not only reflect but also shape our world. This story is an example of why, but especially this episode, and that’s why i was so euphoric about the outcome. It wasn’t just a game for me, and i’m sure for others too. It was a much needed reminder that happy endings can still happen in real life, just as much as they can in stories. Even when everything seems dark and corrupt and rotten and hopeless, we can still keep fighting. We can keep trying. We can make new families and start over and be heroes in our on little lives in small ways. 

We can leave the world better than we found it. 

And maybe, with hard work, imagination, luck and a little Divine intervention...we can also get the happy endings we deserve.

[fieryartemispublications]

Thoughts on Mollymauk, Kingsley, and Lucien...

I have spent a lot of time over the last two weeks thinking about these three characters.  Mollymauk specifically.

To reiterate so many posts I’ve made, I miss Molly.  I have no idea why I loved him so much as I did.  I can’t remember the last time a character utterly shattered me.  

He was the catalyst for so much change within the Nein’s ranks.  His motto “leave every place better than you found it” is his legacy.  Every member of the Nein made choices and decisions based on it.  Beau used the phrase dozens of times after Molly’s death.  Caleb used these words to forgive Essek of the treason he’d done to them, and in a way that invoked Mollymauk so intimately reminded me of him.  Even in his death, he remained a strange and unlikely moral center for the group.

One time I said that Molly’s story came to an utterly bittersweet, beautifully perfect way.  His time with his friends was incredibly short in retrospective but the mark he left on them was so deep and profound that they rallied around his memory and found new purpose.  And in a lot of respects, I think this is still so very true.  I have no idea who the Nein would be if it weren’t for Mollymauk.

When Lucien was revived and began using Molly’s body as a puppet, my biggest fear was that Molly would become the Nein’s BBEG.  While not entirely true, it was a fear that still did come to pass.  Lucien was their biggest threat and he did nothing but callously spit on Molly’s memory to their faces.  He swore up and down, taunted and flaunted them with the fact that their friend was truly dead and gone. And yet... and yet during the Nein’s final battles with him, it was their love and memories of Mollymauk that cut through Lucien’s ability to turn his full wrath on them.  They picked and picked at him, throwing egg dick jokes and pleas to the “circus man” until Lucien lost his legendary actions.  Whether this was the result of some old lingering and mostly forgotten memory of Molly’s time with the Nein rising up and distracting him or Lucien’s general frustration over their remarks, I don’t know.  But the love they all have for Mollymauk, still after all this time, is what drives them forward and allows them to win the battle.

And then Lucien dies.  The Somnovem are destroyed and the entity that Cree used to pull Lucien’s spirit back together is no longer there.  But Caleb is there.  He tries to pull the spirit of Molly back and put it where Lucien resided.  It fails.  But Caduceus is there.  His appeals to the Wildmother are honored.  The Wildmother returns the spirit back to this destroyed corpse.  And Mollymauk rises from his death, runs, and ultimately has a slight look of recognition in his eyes.  He is empty but he remembers his friends Love, Joy, Magician, Tinker, Sea, and Rumor.  He even seems to realize Veth is Nott even before she disguises herself.  He is empty but he recognizes them at least to some degree.   Or does he?

The next morning, Jester uses Greater Restoration on the one using Molly’s body.  And it’s like a veil is lifted.  No longer does this individual recognize them at all.  No longer does this spirit inhabiting this body seem like Mollymauk.  He even says that person isn’t him.  To the illusory memories Caleb shows him, he specifically says “that’s not me.  I don’t know him.”  He’s changed he says and the Nein realize it, are prepared for it.  This new person isn’t Molly and he’s definitely (thank the gods) not Lucien either. And for some reason, that absolutely crushes me.  

He names himself Kingsley, Kingsley Tealeaf, and names Mollymauk a brother.  Perhaps this was always meant to be the person that Molly was supposed to develop into.  Perhaps this is yet another small facet of what was once a larger, more connected soul.  One that, liked Molly and Lucien, needed time to grow and become a whole soul. Perhaps, they are all the same person to some degree and it’s due to their surroundings that influence who they are.  The circus influenced Molly, the Somnovem influenced Lucien, and the Nein... the Nein influence Kingsley.  Perhaps they really are all separate spirits that all just happen to use the same body.  It could be all, or some... or none at all.  

The one thing that evades my ability to put together in any semblance of understanding in my scattered thoughts, are the memories.  In Kingsley’s epilogue, there is mention of memories and chains and how the dreams plague him.  They seem to be mostly of Lucien and the Somnovem.  The horrors and atrocities that he inflicted and attempted to bring to the Material Plane.  How Kingsley can sometimes still hear the screaming in his dreams.  Yet, I don’t quite catch anything that could be tied back to his time as Mollymauk.  Nothing beyond that first dream of the circus and the woman in a red coat whispering things in his ear.  

So... the questions remain.  Who is Kingsley Tealeaf?  And how much of him is or is not Molllymauk?  Did the Wildmother, Caleb, and Caduceus really call Molly’s spirit back to that body?  Or were those brief flashes of recognition just a subtle message from Molly to his friends that he was at peace and they could let go of him? Was this body just an empty vessel waiting to be filled with the love and support of the Nein so that someone new could grow and finally live a life that none of it’s predecessors got to live in full?

I don’t know and honestly, I feel incredibly heartbroken.  And I wish I had more episodes to explore Kingsley and learn about him.  I have a lot of questions for Matt and Taliesin about a few stupid purple tiefling bastards.  A lot of questions.

[cardinaldaughter]

I started watching Critical Role in March of 2018. I immediately became hooked on the show, and it served as a great distraction from the fact that I was still deep in mourning over the death of my best friend who died the year before, at age 30, senselessly. I was also dealing with a major remodel that was going way worse than my husband and I anticipated (we were doing it all ourself), and my cat Finn was suffering from some medical condition that meant a lot of vet trips and medicine and surgery. My mental health was hanging by a thread when I started this show as a means of escape.

I immediately got attached to Molly. I loved the air of mystery around his character, the utter bullshit he fed people until he offered to help them, how flamboyant he was... I was just drawn to him.

Then in June or July, I can’t remember, episode 26 aired. And I watched in horror as my favorite member of the Mighty Nein was senselessly taken from us. It was heartbreaking, but it was also fiction. But it had also been my escape from this exact kind of pain, so it hit irrationally harder than it should have. I watched this show for fun, damn it! not to be reminded of the loss I’d been trying to escape from.

Then in August, Finn died. He was only 2. I did everything I could to save that sweet boy, but it wasn’t enough. And I felt that loss so deeply, and coupled with the fact that I was STILL grieving over my best friend, still overwhelmed by a remodel that was taking up what remaining concentration I had- I couldn’t even fully enjoy CR because there was a bitter and senseless death lingering there, and it just felt awful.

Fast forward to last night. I’ve accepted Finn’s death and know I did everything I could. It’s still senseless, it still hurts, but I’m okay. I still miss my best friend, but I am not in quite such a horrible headspace anymore. It’s still not fair- to quote my favorite wizard NPC- but I’m healing. And so because I’d been working to make peace with my real life losses, I went into this episode just happy to be along for the ride, and knew that the dice would do what they willed. CR was fun again, the sting of Molly’s death dulled by time and healing from real life grief.

So the ritual failed (with a Nat 1!) and I was okay. Because, like Fjord said, that’s life. People die, and it isn’t fair, but we try to heal and move on and grow from the ashes of that broken heart. But then Taliesin stepped in and did what he does, and suddenly that character I loved so much was breathing again. And I just broke down. And it had nothing to do with “yay my fave fictional character is back!” But because I realized why, up until that episode, I’d been so desperate to have Molly back:

I would give anything to be able to bring back Tori. And Finn. And my aunt who died when I was 9 that I loved like a second mother. I would give anything to have the chance the Mighty Nein had in that moment. They brought back Jester; they brought back Caleb. They brought back Molly- they did the impossible.

But I don’t have that power. That’s not how this world works. We love, and we lose, and we grieve, and we try to pull ourselves back together in the aftermath of that, and move on. But in this game? They can get their friend back. They can bend time, and nature, and reality itself, and they can pour love into their friend, and they can see him live again.

And after losing my best friend, after losing the cat that I felt/feel so much guilt over not being able to save- seeing a happy ending like this feels so cathartic for me. So relieving. So freeing. It’s just a story, but that’s the power of stories. They can move you in ways you didn’t know you could be moved. And for someone who has experienced so much loss in her life starting at age 7 and never seeming to let up, with death after death- from this past year, with the pandemic and all the sickness and death and fear that has surrounded us... the Mighty Nein getting their friend back just feels so damn good. Taliesin was right. They earned this. We earned this.

It’s about damn time for a happy ending.

[beauregardlionett]

// a quick thing inspired by @casukaga wonderful art of beau because i’m w e a k

She never truly felt important before the Nein.

There had of course been the natural self-importance of children. The belief the world revolved around you before the self-awareness set in and the world beyond the walls of your childhood home became real. Even then, the distance between her parents and Beau yielded little reassurance of her worth.

With the Nein, it was a gradual thing. Days, weeks, months on the road together, protecting one another and learning the ins and outs of their trauma brought about its own sense of importance. There stood an unspoken weight of worth - especially after Molly - that they needed each other. If one of them were to vanish, it would be like a block tower losing a piece of foundation.

Beau learned how to bear the weight in silence, because they rarely said things out loud. Permanence was foreign to some of them, especially Beau, but she got used to the wordless affirmations. She learned how to accept Fjord joining her for workouts, watching her back and watching his in turn. How to meet Jester halfway when they shared whispered recollections after a long day, giggling into the quiet night. Beau became familiar with the sturdy weight of Veth leaning into Beau’s hip while they traded companionable silence or outlandish stories.

It was a little more disorienting to find her footing with Caleb’s permanence, because even he struggled to figure their waltz out. Eventually, they learned how to let their similarities intertwine and how to compromise their differences. She had an easier time learning Caduceus’ ways, but a harder time accepting. It took several sessions of brewing tea and simmering emotions on Beau’s end to understand that his calm presentation was not a facade. That he would not disappear on them the way Molly had.

And then there was Yasha - who was anything but permanence. The hardest for Beau to learn and accept. At first, Yasha existed like a flash of lightning - un coup de foudre - there one moment and gone the next. Even when she promised to come around again, Beau never took her word for it.

Because Beau had never been important, never someone worth coming back to.

But Yasha returned every time. And Beau struggled to reconcile her perceived worthlessness with that.

And then Yasha was different - gone - and Beau’s unfortunate first thought had been about time things made sense again.

She instantly hated herself, because that wasn’t fair to Yasha, who couldn’t be evil, couldn’t have turned against them. So imagine Beau’s surprise when they learned Yasha had not willingly turned against them, had fought and screamed and cried to break free and return. Who apologized several times over for hurting Beau, who continued to heal Beau with warm hands and held her like she was important, like she was worth permanence.

Recently, Beau’s importance to people took on the form of words.

Follow your own advice. Don’t go.

Stay alive, Beauregard.

Stay alive, please.

Return to us.

Stay. Alive.

How was she supposed to know how to respond? Her entire life, Beauregard had been cast aside, told she was a problem, too much to handle, too brash, too crude. A problem passed from one set of hands to another, like they might solve her by beating down every jagged edge she possessed. They acted as if the process didn’t shatter her and produce more jagged shards for more people to handle.

Being told, to her face, that she meant something to people, that they wanted her to come back, was jarring. She never considered she would make it this far, of the full expectation that she would never see the age of twenty-five. There was no fail-safe for gratitude, for genuine affection.

She assumed she would be Achilles, struck down from behind in a spot of vulnerability exposed.

What was she supposed to do now when people expected her - wanted her - to come back?

Yasha found her stuck in the spiral of these thoughts, chewing the skin back from her fingernails with absent vigor.

“Beau?”

She looked up at the call of her name. The motion tore back a piece of skin she had caught between her teeth. Beau winced and made a quiet noise of surprised pain. The skin around her nail was shiny with saliva and the blood welling from the tear.

Yasha knelt quickly at Beau’s side, one hand encircling Beau’s wrist and the other laying gentle pressure over her knuckles. The soft glow from Yasha’s hands raced through Beau’s veins and sealed the tiny wound.

Beau wondered when she became so important a figure to Yasha that she would spend her precious healing on someone like Beau without a second thought.

“What’s wrong, Beau?” Yasha asked in that soft voice Beau had come to know so well.

“Nothing,” Beau tried to lie, and saw the shift in Yasha’s expression when she didn’t believe her.

“I don’t know,” Beau sighed, acutely aware of Yasha’s hands still holding her wrist. “Just having a minor crisis, I suppose. ’Bout time, I guess. They’re usually scheduled once every two months.”

Her deprecating attempt at humor did not seem to amuse Yasha. She leveled Beau with a look that seemed to pierce through every feeble defense Beau was hastily trying to construct.

It occurred to Beau that this conversation felt sort of inevitable.

“People keep telling me to stay alive lately,” Beau said, turning her eyes away from Yasha’s face. She had a hard time maintaining eye contact on a normal day. When emotions were added into the mix - especially her own - it was impossible for Beau to hold another person’s gaze.

“Which, like, that isn’t a bad thing,” Beau continued. “But it feels like a lot of pressure. It’s a heavy expectation to put on someone who may or may not end up in the astral plane fighting a floating, conscious city in about a week. I think it’s just...making me realize how many people I have in my life now that are permanent and care about me? I’ve never been...important to other people before.”

She risked a glance at Yasha, found a glimmer of guilty realization there, and hated herself. Yasha had been one of the people to tell her to stay alive.

Then again, Beau had extended the same sentiment to Yasha in return, so maybe she was just as bad.

“How about,” Yasha started, then stopped. Beau turned more fully toward her, curious about the tone to Yasha’s voice.

“What if I asked you to stay with me instead?”

Beau blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Instead of asking you to stay alive,” Yasha shaped each word with careful consideration, brows furrowed with concentration. “I’m asking you to stay with me. All you have to do is stick with us, and that seems much more manageable if you ask me.”

Her words startled a watery laugh out of Beau, and she hadn’t realized how close to crying she was until it happened.

“Yeah,” Beau said, voice warbled. “Yeah, that sounds a lot easier.”

Yasha smiled, the pull of her lips small and fond, relieved if a little sad. Her fingers released Beau’s wrist so she could lift an arm in invitation. Another facet of Yasha’s permanence presented to Beau without hesitation, an action that left Beau breathless.

It didn’t take her as long as it once did to accept the offer.

[shoggoth-the-bitch]

I genuinely do hate to be a curmudgeon about the final because I desperately wanted it to be as great as I thought the first campaign’s final was but I just can’t help but find it lacking in a lot of ways. Honestly, I actually had to go on an hour long walk just to try to clear up how I was feeling on all of this and I’m still pretty conflicted.

Obviously I’m not gonna go messaging the cast about everything I thought was “wrong” with the final, I just want to vent my thoughts. If you think I’m wrong and that the final was fine then by all means ignore this post, this is just me giving my thoughts.

First and foremost, I get what Taliesin was trying to do with Molly. I’m sure the way he saw it, Molly was gone and wasn’t meant to come back. I can imagine this might have been his original idea for Molly, if ever he died in the campaign he would come back as totally new person, which would keep the rest of the M9 inclined to keep him from dying. And if it was, I find that very interesting and would have loved to see more of that but this was the final the M9 did so much to get Molly back and Kingley simply isn’t him. I’m sad that Molly didn’t come back and it’s hard to like Kingley when I know he’s replaced him.

Beau and Yasha’s endings were good. I’m glad Beau was done right by the Cobalt Soul and I’m glad Yasha got to bring Zuala the flowers she’d been collecting the entire campaign. If there’s one complaint I have to make, it’s that I wish we could have explored this part of Yasha more. This was her whole backstory and we may never get to know more about it, only that she killed the former leader of the tribe and is feared/hated by the tribe. As for Beau, she gets a little closure with her dad but I wish there would have been something about going to see her mom and little brother while her dad was in jail, if only to see them while he wasn’t looming in the background.

Fjord gets to go back to the sea and find his mentor and I’m happy for him, meanwhile Jester... just sorta comes with him. Like, yeah, she has her last talks with her parents and Artagan but she didn’t get to do much of her own thing. She road off into the sunset with Fjord and that’s really it. Not even a “well obviously we get married” kind of joke that I can recall. Laura’s even said before that she doesn’t like when fandom acts like her character’s only purpose is to be in a relationship with one character or another, so it just feels wrong that Jester’s whole ending seems to be following Fjord where ever he feels like going.

I’m a bit sad that Cad went out into the world and saw everything it had to offer and then decided that he was just gonna go back to the Grove and spend the next several decades there and never even think of leaving. It’s as though he went out into the world and truly saw nothing worth seeing more of. I could understand missing home and spending a few years there but decades, never feeling any form of wanderlust after seeing all sort of things that he never could have experienced in the Grove. Like, I know his character grew as a person but you could be forgive for mistaking him going home and deciding to never leave again to seem kinda like he’s reverted right back to the man who used to think he’d be in the Grove his entire life. I don’t know, it just feels kinda wrong.

Veth’s ending makes the most sense out of all of them. Again, I’m sad because we didn’t really get a lot of info about what she’d be doing next. Her and Yeza settle down on the coast, open an alchemy shop, and raise Luc. It seems almost too obvious that this would be how her story would end but that’s because we’ve known it’s been coming for months now. Veth has struggled with her want to be with her family and be with the Nein, this is literally the only end that makes sense for her character and I’m glad she got her happy ending.

And then there’s Caleb.

I’ve known for a while that Caleb wouldn’t be allowed to have a happy ending for two reason: 1. All his his love interests were either in love with someone else or war criminals, and more importantly 2. Even after all the good he’s done, he still doesn’t love himself enough to realize he deserves a happy ending.

There was a possibility for Caleb and Essek to share a happy ending. I think Caleb could have convinced him to come back to the Empire to uproot the corruption that still exists in the government. I know Essek was afraid of being caught but Caleb could have used his Transmogrification spell on him and helped him escape to a new life. Yes, I’m certain he had some form of pride in being a drow but it’s already canon that he ultimately had to go into hiding and was forced to wear illusions constantly for his own protection. Transformation or illusion, Essek can never truly be himself anymore and now he can’t even be with Caleb.

As for the “Caleb will be an old man and Essek will be Essek,” that part genuinely annoys me. Orcs rarely live to see the age of 80 while Tieflings can live to be roughly 150 years old, you don’t see Jester and Fjord deciding that they can’t be together because Jester could potentially live twice as long as Fjord. It just feels like sort of a garbage excuse to make Caleb’s end a little bit sadder.

Last bit about Caleb, being that he never does what he set out to do and ends up as a teacher in the very establishment that tortured him and ruined his life. He doesn’t stop the corruption in the Empire, by all accounts they took out Trent Ikithon and then just sorta fucked off to do their own things. Like, I know Veth and Cad were set to go home but I feel like the other should have stuck together long enough to see the corruption uprooted. It’s been their mantra for at least a year out of game, take down the corruption in the Empire, but as long as the Cerberus Assembly exists there will be corruption in the Empire.

Yes, in uncovering and stopping Lucien’s plans, they uncovered something quite a bit bigger then just the corruption in the Empire but that doesn’t mean those troubles disappear now that Aeor is no longer a threat to them.

There are a lot of little things that still frustrate me; story lines that were never properly wrapped up, characters that were never revisited. Maybe I’m just sad to see it all go but it just felt like a lot of the story simply wasn’t over even though the campaign is.

[cadaceus]

C2E141

One last time, y’all. This campaign and these characters have meant so much to me, and this seven hour finale was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. (Yes, I shed actual tears at one point, which rarely happens to me with media. But this is a special occasion.) These liveblogs are nearly as long as the episode itself, so grab a snack! With that being said, here are my very last liveblogs for Campaign 2 of Critical Role. As always, major spoilers below, so beware. 

- Veth taking a level in Wizard, god I am really gonna cry ten minutes into this thing...  😭

- We got our first “stay with us” to Essek, I am emo...

- I was fully not expecting to say goodbye to Frumpkin, but now I’m on the verge of tears... farewell dear fey friend (Marisha saying “that wasn’t supposed to be what broke me” me too me too)

- “You’re a good person.” “I could be.” “You are.”

- “I think you’re a good person” I never thought that I’d hear Beau say that about Essek and this genuinely might be what breaks me... she thinks he’s a good person.... redemption is possible.... maybe love is real....

- If I end up crying over wizards, look away

- Jester lifting up Fjord’s arm to snuggle beneath it made me say “awww” out loud  🥺

- VETH GOING FOR A DIP IN THE POND, I AM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF HER

- “Aahhh!! It’s me! Your wife!” I am going to miss Jester’s sending so much

- Okay that accent bit was so funny, I am going to miss all of them so much

- REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK

- Oh but he doesn’t remember them... and Yasha is trying so hard to help him remember, it’s so so sweet 

- Something about the way he said “Tealeaf’s nice” made me tear up... I was neutral on Mollymauk early campaign because I went into things knowing that he passed away, but this whole conversation with the Mighty Nein is So Much. Also “Kingsley Tealeaf” 

- “Everyone should have a brother” as someone with three of them, I vouch for this  🥺

- a) I love Marion Lavorre (and Jester ofc!) so very much and b) I can’t believe that Jester’s parent trap actually worked??

- “I do not think Exandria is ready for how you’re going to change it” got to me... and it’s also so true. jester has already changed the world just by being kind.

- Good bye Marion... I love and will miss you so much! (And many thanks to Laura and Matt for creating an agoraphic single mother who raised a wonderful child <3)

- Beau and Jester teasing Marion for having a complicated relationship with Babenon reminds me of Caleb saying he has a complicated relationship with Essek...

- LEAVE CALEB ALON E FUOIKJLKGKNL 

- THIS IS ....... SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- Caleb’s biggest trauma(s) coming back to haunt him, I am genuinely going to cry I’m not ready for this I’m not okay

- Beau saying to Jester “Thanks, cutie” I love themmmmm

- INITIATIVE AAGJASKHDKJ AAAAAHHHH

- Essek’s Gravity Sinkhole did nothing? uhhhhh Mr Stark...

- EADWULF???? HELLO?????

- Essek using his entire turn to save Caleb last battle 🤝 Caleb using his entire turn to save Essek this battle

- ASTRID???? I TRUSTED YOU??? WE ALL TRUSTED YOU????

- Another Counterspell chain sdfdghjkdl wizards !!!

- “It’s just business” is literally the Neutral Evil line, it always gives me chills when any character says it

- This hurts more after Liam confirming on Twitter that Astrid/Caleb/Eadwulf were all three a romantic item... please stop hurting Caleb, you loved him  😭

- THE FJORD VS EADWULF SWORD FIGHT IS SO CINEMATIC I LOVE IT HERE ACTUALLY

- Essek taking every opportunity to pull Caleb to safety makes me so emotional...  😭

- “You’re not the first student I’ve had to put down” I am burning with my anger for you, old man 

- THE DISPEL WORKED LET’S GO CALEB.....

- Remember when Matt said that Essek doesn’t openly show concern/emotion? And now he’s saying “I’m scared” in front of his closest friends and his worst enemies.... growth my love.....

- BEAU AND VETH LETS GO CHAOS CREW LETS MF GO BABEYYYY!!!

- FJORD COUNTERSPELLING THE DIMENSION DOOR..... and Matt having him describe it.... is this taking the place of a “HDYWTDT” *eyes emoji*

- CALEB GOING DOWN NO, THANK GOD FOR THAT DEATH WARD

- Veth’s illusion of Caleb’s parents flanking Caleb in the flames.... that got me too, Liam

- “Stay down.” yeah, okay, that was sexy

- ASTRID BEING THE ONE TO ACTIVATE THE COLLAR IS LITERALLY POETIC JUSTICE... Trent being beaten by the student who stuck with him longest I love this so much, she deserved that moment honestly

- Break Time, AKA Emma Makes Her Weekly Mug Brownie Interlude

- Sometimes I feel like “death is too good for you” is a copout, but in this case it fits so well, I want this mf’s reputation destroyed and the entire operation exposed and overthrown let’s goooo

- “I loved you both so much”.... Astrid and Eadwulf walking away.... oh, Blumendrei... I know this is not the end of your story. What’s past is prologue, loves

- The Empire Siblings are gonna burn down the whole system because it’s the system that enables individual corruption... I am so fulfilled by this, god i love them

- “I love you too” OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, FJORESTER ARE THE CUTEST FOR REAL

- Jester and Essek’s friendship still means so much to me btw just in case anyone wanted a check-in

- Veth giving the flask to Kingsley!! Good for her, good for her!

- OH Blumenduo are back already! I truly thought that was going to be their last appearance of the Campaign, why is this taking me more by surprise than Trent’s appearance

- “[Caleb] notes how similar Eadwulf and Fjord are” this is Widofjord adjacent... this episode we have gotten Widomauk-adjacent, Widojest-adjacent, and Widofjord-adjacent (and Blumentrio ofc), now come through Shadowgast and we can get a full Bingo on the “Bisexual Maelstrom” card

- Speaking of relationships, I am lowkey into the Fjord/Jester/Kingsley dynamic LOL no one look at me I’m in hiding

- I’M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO VETH AND CAD 😭 It makes sense and the fact that they have their families back is beautiful but also consider this: I’m sad and I will miss them 

- The goodbyes to Caduceus..... I am going to cry aren’t I?

- “If he’s anything like his mom, you won’t see him until it’s too late” Okay that made me giggle, I love Veth and I love Luc and I love their little family

- IS ESSEK LEAVING TOO? THAT’S GONNA BE WHAT BREAKS ME ISN’T IT

- If Essek leaves and we never see him again, getting a triple whammy of goodbyes I will be so incredibly sad, I cannot do this  😭

- If anyone is interested, no I am not doing well

- I was lowkey ready to get an Essek’s feelings for Caleb confirmation tonight, I guess it makes sense that we didn’t but I hope that this is not the last time we see Essek... I want to write another emo post about him and about how much he means to me but I will refrain

- CALEB BEING A TEACHER IS THE ENDGAME I WANT FOR HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- Wow, I really was not ready to see Caduceus and Essek go for some reason... I really wanted this Campaign to end on the image of the Mighty Nein together as all nine of them... I’m feeling so numb right now having to say goodbye  😭

- Oh, we’re in the epilogue now!

- When Fjord said “[the sea] is my favorite place to be” I genuinely felt that on a spiritual level... the ocean is home, it truly is and always will be for me as well

- “I CAST MODIFY MEMORY” FJORD LMAOOOOOOO

- Okay, that Widobrave ending is what made me shed tears for the first time this episode... not to be Personal but my biological brother graduates High School tomorrow, and for some reason this conversation just reminded me so much of me and him and now I’m emotional

- NOT THE SYPHILIS BANDITS DSYUHDFJKLSFJ;DS OKAY I NEEDED THAT LAUGH

- “I’d like to hear about your friend” Kingsley aww

- Beau giving Kingsley her first diary to help him realize who they all are is actually so perfectly fitting, I love that!

- “The other eight and I, yes” Caleb counting all nine of them again  😭

- CALEB BEING OFFERED AN ASSEMBLY SEAT WTF AAAHHH

- Oh shit, Astrid took the Assembly seat... I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel so bad for her for having to stay in the system that abused her for so long and I would have loved to see her burn the whole thing down, but I hope that she at least has a sense of contentment with this title

- “I go where you go, baby” Beauyasha.... my darling loves....

- Beau’s dad??? But also Beau being the one with power over her father is so Good, I’m glad that she got justice on that front as well!

- This talk with Artagan... “I didn’t want you to be a god. I wanted you to be my friend.” and in the process my love you created divinity... maybe divinity is the friends we made along the way

- OH SHIT WE ARE GETTING ALL THE VANDRAN LORE TONIGHT I’M READY LET’S GO LET’S GO

- VANDRAN AND AVANTIKA WERE AN ITEM???

- Wait crack theory: Sabian was a half elf right? Could he be the son of Vandren and Avantika? Or is that too much of a stretch? 

- Vandran going with them!!! Also I feel like that moment between Fjord and Vandran was lowkey a tease to a post-campain Uk’otoa one shot and I am ready for it already 

- THIS BEAUYASHA MOMENT... “i’ve never known anyone as deeply as i know you” & “explore every bit of you in multiple ways ;)” & “your past doesn’t scare me, it only makes you beautiful” .... this is so much they are so much i love them so much

- “I will have you and then some” Beauyasha   😭

- I’m torn between “oh my god there’s still half an hour left?” and “how is there only half an hour left??”

- “You will let this Skyspear live at least?” oh my god so Yasha killed the last Skyspear then? Oof...

- YASHA GIVING ZUALA(’S GRAVE) THE BOOK OF FLOWERS, OH DEAR HEART

- And Beau’s talk to Zuala about being the luckiest woman alive and sacrifice.... 😭  

- PLANTING FLOWERS AT ZUALA’S GRAVE... “NO BETTER GRAVE MARKER” THIS IS MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL, I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE BUT THIS TRULY IS SO BEAUTIFUL

- So... I may or may not be crying again

- Shadowgast with a steel chair??

- Caleb’s plan for saving his parents... it’s clear he has thought of this so much, oh my darling love  😭

- Caleb burning down his chance to change his past is so symbolic and something he really needed to do, it does make me emotional though

- The other book was him writing to his parents?? Oh bby boy  😭  

- While I would have loved for Caleb to open his own magic school (especially with Essek, or the Mighty Nein, or someone else as well), I am so pleased that he stays with Veth and that their friendship continues for the rest of their life because again: they mean so so much to me, and in a way they remind me of me and my biological brother (which I never realized before this episode) and yeah. They just make me Emo

- Also. Caleb being a professor was my Number One Endgame Hope for him and the fact that it came true is just so surreal in the best way possible. I’m so used to being robbed of happy endings. The fact that the Mighty Nein all got theirs makes me incredibly happy. A story does not have to be sad to be impactful. Happy stories and happy endings, especially during a time period of tumultuous real life circumstances, have just as much value and meaning and they always will. Caleb is teaching the next generation magic, and he is teaching them to be Good, and he is nurturing them, and that just means so much

- MATT CRYING IS GONNA GET TO ME

- “Let’s do it again” Please, let’s.

- Okay, everyone. I made it all seven hours in one piece with surprisingly minimal tears (though who knows, this might all sink in tomorrow.) I already wrote my thoughts earlier today about how much the Mighty Nein mean to me and how much this show and these characters have kept me holding on during quarantine and today... I’m still not ready to let them go, but I know that I can always revisit to say hello and to say thank you for changing me. Until then though... I love you all more than you could ever know. And for the last time of Campaign 2... is it Thursday yet?

Good night 💗

[there-are-things-i-dont-forget]

SPOILERS FOR CRITICAL ROLE CAMPAIGN 2 BELOW

I just wanted to talk about how much the Mighty Nein and Matt and Critical Role have meant to me over the past few months. I started Campaign 2 in January this year, when I moved out for university and was able to live on my own for the first time. They quite literally saved me, because I cared so much for the setting and the characters and the story that Matt wove and how the players interacted with them that I hung on just to see how it would end. 

For me, it was amazing how I could relate the characters to aspects of myself, and how watching them all get their happy endings have made me be able to look forward with a bit more hope.

Let’s start with Beau. I’ll be honest, Marisha’s characters are always the most challenging for me, because of how real they are. Marisha is a stunning actor, incredibly skilled, and Beau was the character I responded to the most as if it was a real person. Everyone else I could enjoy and play into the metagame of watching the players be characters. With Beau and Marisha, it was so real. Moreover, I could see myself reflected in the character (which is probably why I found her so challenging to begin with). Trauma, hurt, being an asshole to other people before they could reject her first. Not the best at compliments, giving in to anger and sarcasm, struggling to connect. And I got to watch her grow, and be accepted, and learn from her mistakes, and be appreciated by who she was, and in the end get vindication on her abusers, and find love and acceptance. Beau’s story is incredibly special to me.

In that same vein is Yasha’s. Manipulated, taken advantage of, forced to do things against her will. Yasha’s story is the one that I can relate to the most, in terms of trauma, and to see her quite literally rip the wings off of her abuser was cathartic in a way that I did not expect, but should have foreseen. And in the end, she also got her happy ending. I’m gonna leave it at that, because any more will make me cry. But I hold her and her character arc so close to my heart.

Liam’s performances are the hardest for me to watch because he feels so much, and I love it. He really gives it all to the scene and it is incredible. Caleb was a character that I overlooked for a bit in the beginning (as Jester had quickly become my favorite), but he quickly climbed as we began to see more of his character and his backstory. Manipulated and groomed by someone he was supposed to be able to trust, forced again to do things against his will, falling in to flashbacks and panic attacks, struggling to rejoin society and interact with others, a love and a passion for learning to a nearly obsessive sense, both for the love of it and for the possibility of gaining the power and strength needed to take back control. Slowly learning to love, to grow, to find friends and see that there can be more to life, that you don’t have to be ruled by your trauma or let it define you, but also still acknowledging it and its effects. But also just how long it takes, and how it can affect you in ways you cannot imagine. He also got his vindication on his abuser, and again, I cried, tears of happiness for him and of grief and hope for me, that one day I might be able to do the same.

Caleb, Yasha, and Beau are the ones I relate to the most because their story is my story, and watching them grow and love means it can happen to me as well. I cannot stress how important and incredible it is for me to realize that. In the more material sense, they all got closure and catharsis against those who hurt them, and they all learned to love again, to open their hearts and let others in again. And that means I can too.

This brings me to the Shadowgast love story. I know this is really controversial for the fandom and I don’t care. For me, their arc was perfectly realistic, and their ending was exactly what I expected for the characters. Finding a kin spirit, learning together, hesitant but trusting in the other’s passion for study at the very least, slowly and naturally growing closer and learning more about each other, revealing more. The betrayal from Essek, the scene on the boat, the slight recoiling on either side, and then learning again, slowly trusting again and teaching each other to forgive themselves, that they were both victims in a sense and that they can take back control and do better, and choose to do better and be better. Slowly healing, and healing together, knowing the worst of each other and choosing to stay but still acknowledging those parts of each other. The scene where they return to the T-Dock and they talk about time travel, and Caleb disintegrates the whole thing? That’s growth, and that’s growing together. And they continue to grow for years, and heal for years, and eventually they end up together, but it takes time. Of course it does. And Essek’s character and this ending really helped me understand some of my own feelings in terms of friendship and romance. Everyone upset that there wasn’t any “on screen” romance or whatever, to me, fundamentally misunderstood the character, especially since his love language does not seem to be physical touch at all (if anything it’s gift giving/acts of service - teleporting the M9 around? Helping Caleb solve the spell? Giving up to dunamis gem to help the M9 get a long rest?). But yeah. Watching characters like that help validate my own experiences in friendship and romance and it was fantastic. 

The others I have a bit less in common with, but there’s still stuff to talk about. Veth having her body changed by someone else, something out of her control, feeling alien in this body and struggling to find a sense of self, then finding friends willing to pour everything into helping her be herself again? Fjord learning he is valuable whether or not he has powers/can serve others, that he has worth just as himself, and that that is enough? Those were stories I needed to hear, to know that something like that is possible.

Caduceus growing out of his comfort zone, exploring, learning, but still being a rock for the others (and for the viewers), and "Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential. It’s love that saves them."?  Molly’s loyalty and “leave every place better than you found it”? Even if I couldn’t relate directly to the characters didn’t mean they didn’t have an impact, and these are things that I will carry with me always.

Jester. I have just about nothing in common with Jester, and I loved it. Her optimism, her jokes, and her art (including the dicks), just the absolute light and joy that was her character was exactly what I needed to get through some of the toughest times of my life. Watching her grow from episode one to episode 141 was insane, to mature but not lose her creativity and her fun for life. She was my reminder that there is good and light and hope in the world, even if sometimes you have to create it for yourself, and that is what kept me going sometimes.

And finally, Matt. I cannot give enough thanks to you for choosing to share this amazing world and this story with us. Your storytelling is what prompted me to finally put my ideas into writing, and now I’m working on my own book. Along with Jester, Essek is one of my favorites, and his story arc and characterization was incredibly important to me. I truly have no words for how Critical Role and especially you, with the care and passion and obvious love for storytelling that you have, have changed my life. And I cannot thank you enough.

Am I sad that the campaign ended? Maybe a little. I will miss these characters. But I truly believe that Matt ended the campaign at the perfect point, and I loved the final episode, it made incredible sense for the end of the characters (maybe a teeny bit more Marion/Babenon? But I digress). I’m sure Campaign 3 will be just as astounding.

My love and thanks to the cast and crew of Critical Role. Rest well knowing you did a fantastic job, and I’ll see you in campaign 3.

PS: I know there’s a lot of tags, I want to make sure I cover all my bases so people don’t get spoiled if they have these tags blocked because I have been spoiled too many times by people who tag badly.

[c-is-for-circinate]

You know, this is the fourth time the M9 have been through Trostenwald and Allfield.

The first time, they were level 2 nobodies, of course, knowing nothing at all about themselves or each other, getting arrested and getting free, criminals and heroes and no idea about anything.  The second time they were level 6 mourners, fleeing Molly’s death, fleeing their own feelings, fleeing everything they couldn’t bear to look at about themselves or each other.  The third time they were level 8 and they were together, and the sea had washed enough of their grief away that they were finally, finally ready to start the impossible process of acknowledging what that meant.  The third time they passed through Trostenwald and Allfield, Beau said ‘I love you’ for the very first time of anyone in the group, and they all looked around at this empire that had started to change while they were gone, and Nott admitted that maybe she might like to just pop in and check on a couple of people she once knew.

This is the fourth time.  And you know, it felt like maybe whatever arc they were in shifted when they lost Yasha in the King’s Cave, but I suspect that someday, months or a year from now when I look back on the story, I might put the arc break right here, passing through Trostenwald and Allfield all over again.

This is the fourth time they’re passing through Trostenwald and Allfield, and they’re level ten, and they know who they are now.  They know Beau’s last name and they drink her wine.  They’ve met Nott’s husband and they know what a ravaging goblin horde means to her.  Caleb teaches them the names of all the members of the Cerberus Academy.  Jester is proselytizing.  Fjord has claimed his own path.

They know who they are.  They know what they’re for, or at least they have a partial answer to the question, a thing they’ve never had before between them as they’ve passed through these towns and slept in these beds.  And Molly is dead, and Yasha is gone, and many questions are left unanswered, but.

The Xhorhas arc, ever since they passed back through these towns the last time, was about asking, okay, now that we know we’re together, now that we’re finally brave enough to ASK--who are we?  what are we for?  And they haven’t perfectly solved the problem, but they know so much more than they did.  They have enough of an answer to pass through these places they once came through, and say--we don’t need to go to Kamordah, we don’t need to chase the goblins, we don’t need to go to Port Damali or spend an extra day in Nicodranas.  We’re going to Zadash.  We know what we’re for now.  We know who we used to be, now, more or less, enough to get by on, enough to decide that who we used to be isn’t what’s important any more.

We can look at the dicks we drew on a table, and smile, and pour one out for absent friends, and tell stories we’ve never told before, and grin at the consequences of past actions, and head forth towards the future.  We’re going to Zadash.

[grimmseye]

A Bird in the Hand: Chapter Eight (Interlude)

Read on Ao3 here!

Rating: M

Fandom: Critical Role

Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Essek Thelyss, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast (eventual)

Chapter Characters: Mollymauk Tealeaf, Essek Thelyss, 

Chapter Tags/Warnings: Molly Rez, Amnesiac Mollymauk, Oh My God They Were Roommates, Dissociation, Imagery of bugs on/inside the body, description of corpses/decomposition, Accidental self-harm, non-explicit sexual fantasy (this is unrelated to the previous tags)

I’m behind on posting chapters here. Ao3 is actually caught up to chapter ten as of Just Now, but I’ll be scheduling the next two chapters to post over the next few days.

— — —

When the Nein arrived, Mollymauk listened from his bedroom.

Beauregard, Caleb, Fjord, Jester, Nott, Yasha. The names pounded in his head, nails that refused to be hammered down. One stood out stronger than the rest, the ache deeper, the emptiness more terrifyingly complete, but not one passed without a sharp stutter in his heart.

He died. He had, hadn't he? Somehow the thought had never really, truly clicked. He had been cold and still in the ground, festering amid the worms. Had they made a home of him? Burrowed into his body while the mud dripped into his mouth, boring holes through his flesh and eating at his innards, ants and centipedes all marching their unending parade through the rot underneath his skin, thousands of legs too small to feel and yet there was a crawling deep inside.

He knew what dead bodies looked like. He felt liked he'd created a few himself. The swords he carried had tasted blood that was not his own, and a prickle on his tongue told Mollymauk that he had as well. His body had, at least. This body had done many things that Mollymauk had not. Maybe it was his Other, the echo that had given up his skin, who had brought his teeth to another's flesh to drink their life away.

He gagged, both from the sudden stench of copper he swore he could smell, and from the images it painted. He knew what dead bodies looked like. Molly's hands flew to his belly, prodding at the skin to make sure it felt as it should, a layer of fat softening the muscle underneath, currently smooth and flat as he hadn't eaten a thing. The Nein's presence left his stomach twist into knots too tight to let him get a proper meal. What should have mattered was that his belly was firm, where a corpses would be spongey-soft and bloated with gas, and yet it did not comfort him.

He was alive, but he couldn't convince himself of this. Molly scrabbled at his own jaw to find the pulse beneath it, fluttering far too quickly.

A heartbeat meant life. A beating heart meant pumping blood and blood was the essence of the life was what rooted the soul to the body. That's why they studied it: the blood. That's why they spilled it over their blades and that's why he, the Other, that Lucien, had drank it down, because endless blood meant endless life and an immortal sustained on the blood of those beneath them was unto a god —

Molly didn't realize he was scratching at his arms until he felt himself prick into a vein. The stinging made him wince, suddenly registering the scores of red lines he'd dragged over his forearms, and the one small arc of crimson where a nail had dug too deep.

His throat worked in a swallow. Blood was life. If he bled, he was alive. If he breathed in fresh, clean air, from the open window, then it meant that he wasn't buried feet under the earth with only worms and fungal spores for company.

The voices downstairs went quiet. Mollymauk went still, straining to catch a word. The thought that they were gone should have been a relief. It meant that he could move at last, emerge from this tiny, claustrophobic room that might as well be a coffin.

And it meant he was completely alone.

A panic caught his chest, Molly scrambling to his feet. "Essek!" He shouted. They were gone, weren't they, so it was safe to come out now. They were gone, but so was he, so Mollymauk was all alone with no one to distract him from the gaping wound underneath his ribs.

"Essek!"

No response. Trembling hands wrenched the door open. He thudded down the stairs and nearly toppled in his frenzy. He needed to find Essek. He needed to find someone, anyone, he needed to not be alone, he needed something to fill the empty void in in his chest where a soul was meant to be so he could stop feeling so Empty.

His skin crawled for contact, and he hugged himself tight. No one was there.

Eventually, Mollymauk would slink to a couch and find the thickest, heaviest blanket in the house. He hunkered down in the cushions with it, the soft texture until his fingers grounding and the pressure even better. A warm, living, breathing body was what he needed, but this would work. This would have to be enough.

Essek did return, sooner than expected. He had a parasol in his hand, a lacy pink thing. Mollymauk didn't know if it was relief or despair he felt when the drow strode right by, eyes so firmly fixed on the item in his hands that he hardly even noticed the tiefling on his couch — let alone his trembling. Mollymauk did not miss Essek's own.

If he'd been here five minutes prior, Mollymauk might have scrambled to him. Even now, after catching his breath so just the smallest of tremors seized him between the seconds, he was starving for contact. It would be so warm tucked up against someone else's body. He wanted Essek to hold him. Hell, he would hold Essek himself, the gods knew the drow needed a fucking hug.

Mollymauk would do a lot with Essek, really. He'd happily take any of it. Just a hand, fingers laced together. They were clever hands. Some memory — his own, not the Other's — told him that wizards were good with their hands. Long, nimble fingers, trained to weave odd shapes in the air or paint them in their books. He'd love to just play with his fingers and watch how each section folded in, drag his own over the protrusions of the knuckles and maybe lift Essek's hand to kiss each one.

Kissing Essek was the next thought that flitted into his mind. He let it come and savored it, happy to entertain a fantasy, especially in favor of the panic that seized him before. Essek didn't strike him as one who spent a lot of time in bed with someone else. It wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that the man had never kissed at all. Either way, Mollymauk thought it would be hesitant at first. It was easy to imagine how Essek would falter, breath fanning out across his lips. Mollymauk would have to cup his face, press slow, chaste kisses to his lips, again and again until the wizard followed suit. Wizards were curious things, and Essek had an attractive dedication to his work. He was sure that he'd get his bearings in no time.

And then there was further. Picking that mantle away, taking a moment to admire him in the garments that clung close to his body. Molly had averted his eyes in the spa, but like this he would be allowed to drink it in. First with his eyes, and then with his hands, his teeth, his tongue. He wondered how Essek would sound. Soft whimpers, maybe. Or could be be noisy once his restraint cracked in half, crying out and panting. Or low growls and hisses of pleasure, his quiet intensity taken to bed.

It would all be music to his ears. But while he knew Essek looked at him — he wasn't blind — somehow he was sure that Essek wasn't going to act on that any time soon.

But the craving wasn't going to go away, either. Now that the thought was lodged in his head, Mollymauk knew what he wanted so badly. It barely scraped against arousal, just desire making him ache. He just wanted to spend a night with the reminder he wasn't alone.

Maybe he'd take a tour around the city, tomorrow, and see if he couldn't find someone to share his bed.

It had been more than enough. Hands on his body to sooth the crawling under his skin, warmth and heat and pressure that became the soul focus of his mind, and a sleep so deep there was no room for nightmares of blood and burials. And with a clear head, Mollymauk came to a conclusion:

Essek Thelyss was difficult to read, and that both impressed and worried him.

Mollymauk was a liar. Spinning tales was as easy as it was fun, and while he might not have been the most charming of trinkets, he knew how to walk the line that bordered absurdity, keep a story just strange enough for someone to want to believe his words were true. The deeper sort of lie, he could manage that as well — deception, not just tall tales, the kind of words that sang of danger in their wake.

Essek wasn't necessarily a liar, as far as Mollymauk could tell, but he was certainly a deceiver. There were gaps in his story, things he didn't like to talk about, subjects he was quick to change.

There was a heavy guilt that followed in his shadow after the Mighty Nein's departure, one that grew deeper as the days passed. Mollymauk wouldn't care about lies — whatever person Essek didn't want to be, that was his business. Molly didn't care for other people's baggage. It was dead weight, best left behind so you could keep moving forward without so much as a glance over the shoulder. But whenever Mollymauk brought up the Nein, he could no longer miss the way that Essek's breath caught, his words stalled, his face pinched.

Essek had a good mask, but Mollymauk was even better at prying them off than he was at wearing his own.

[whalohs]

i’m back with meta. 

( and then immediately i hecked up the tags, so deleting and reposting. sorry for the spam! )

let’s look at caleb and jester’s relationship, as mainly a retrospective of where it started. i’m also going to talk about where it has gone since, and how the heck we got here. not particularly shippy unless you ship it already (in which case i hope you enjoy the ship meta), and ready to discuss anything as long as you’re respectful about it.

as always, general disclaimer: for me, it’s more interesting for me to think “[character] would do this because [actions]”, rather than “[character] would do this because [player preferences]”. i can’t claim to know the critical role cast, and i think it does a disservice to their characters if i try to bring them in like that. a weird distinction, i know, but i always think it’s important to mention! i try to distance my meta from the cast, and take the character’s actions by their own merit. 

anyway.

for all we joke about how ridiculous jester is or how much caleb was ready to run from the mighty nein, it’s hard to deny these two had a really, really rough start. jester was everything caleb didn’t want in a person, and caleb was someone jester never... really had experience with. 

lemme explain, first with caleb’s perspective: caleb is running from trent & the cerberus assembly. the last thing he wanted was to be noticed or seen, let alone get his name out there in any way shape or form - and yet here comes the most silly, obnoxious, ready-to-turn-the-world-upside-down tiefling he has ever met, and he met molly at the same time. 

naturally, he hates it. but it runs a deeper than having to travel with someone who doesn’t give a shit about discretion when caleb is discretion personified. i think when we dislike someone, it’s because we see parts of ourselves reflected in them; not necessarily all bad, but parts we have lost, never had, or don’t want to acknowledge. 

it’s important to note that while caleb and jester are very different, there are parts that are shockingly similar; caleb started as a very hopeful, bright, and confident young man at the time he entered the assembly, not unlike where jester started in their adventures ( now is a different story, and i’ll get to that later ). they are both stubborn in their ideals and put a lot of faith in the people they care about ( caleb with nott, jester with the traveler, marion, and fjord ). 

i would not be surprised if caleb sees a little bit of his younger self in jester. but the conflict occurs where he sees his younger self as a very flawed, terrible individual, while jester is not... that. he simultaneously wants to protect her from becoming jaded (as anyone with experience tends to want to), while also knowing she could make very awful mistakes (like he did) if left alone. 

that said! jester is the way she is because she was able to foster her positivity, her hopes, and her ideals in a way that didn’t come and bite her in the ass. so it’s not “jester is caleb pre-development”, and more “jester and caleb are two different results due to different experiences from similar individuals”. unfortunately, caleb can’t think like that with the experiences he’s had, hence all of this.  

i think that it’ll make more sense from jester’s perspective: jester’s living conditions weren’t perfect by any means, but they weren’t exactly trauma central, either. she had loving, kind people in her life that allowed her to develop by encouraging what she enjoyed, as opposed to molding her a specific way. again! she was able to grow the strong parts of her personality - her hopes, her positivity, her confidence - in a way that didn’t come and bite her in the ass. she doesn’t regret anything that she did, because she has never had a reason to.

you could say that she doesn’t have enough experience to see the negative consequences of her actions, and i both agree and disagree. experience doesn’t always equate to hardships; while failure is an important part of learning, it is not the only way you learn. caleb is not necessarily more experienced because he suffered negative consequences, but because he experienced more types of consequences.

that said, she is sorely lacking in some experiences! primarily in dealing with people with different wants and opinions than her. having a loving, encouraging, but ultimately sheltered environment likely means she got to have a lot of things her way. and we see a lot of that at the start of the campaign. 

so the simplest way to say is: jester has never really had someone who dislikes her for who she is. she has never sat through a level of conflict resolution her and caleb needed, and so in an attempt to do things in the way that made the most sense for her, basically got off on the worst foot. 

and so, you know, this goes on for a while. start of campaign two is hilariously turbulent for the both of them. caleb makes nice because he sees the benefit of someone like jester in a party (and not much else), and jester isn’t going to treat caleb any differently than she does anyone else. hence, friction. 

then the money conversation / argument / caleb-smears-mud-on-his-face-out-of-spite happens. which i think really was a bigger turning point than we originally thought it would be (because the nature of the fight wasn’t too serious), mostly because caleb took forever to warm up to the party (disclaimer: i love caleb). 

it’s interesting because it’s the one of the first times we actually see... any actual conflict involving jester. most people brush jester off as the quirky weirdo at first, and doesn’t take her opinions as seriously as others. that makes sense, and jester is fine with that! but that’s what makes caleb’s reaction to jester basically saying she grew up spoiled really fascinating. 

he’s furious, and rightfully so. and caleb back then was keen on making sure he didn’t attract any attention, that unless she really struck a nerve he was just gonna nod and not think about it. but as we saw -- that’s not how it happened. i think he especially felt stung because he tried to help, because she had been distressed, but all of it backfired terribly. 

so they fight. they’re upset at each other. caleb smears mud on his face then walks away and i think it hits jester on the head that oh, what she said without thinking really did upset someone, when she hadn’t meant to necessarily make them uncomfortable. 

jester, for the limited social experiences she has, is a very empathetic person. it doesn’t take a lot from her to understand why he would have been upset by what she said, once she cares enough to consider it.

the remainder is a gradual, but noticeable change to where we are now; while it’s outdated and my opinions on details have changed, i did write a shorter meta on caleb and jester on an earlier episode point. i think the bulk of it stands true, though, so feel free to read that and then come back!

spoilers: they’re destroying me now.

a few things i did want to add: i think a lot about how out of all of the nein, the main people who notice jester’s slowly dwindling confidence are caleb and caduceus (beau, nott, and fjord notice it too, just in a slightly different way; and yasha is.... bring ashley back 2k19). caduceus pretty much has 3 million in insight so i’ll touch on that later, but fitting caleb in here is interesting!

mostly because he likely, again, experienced that dwindling confidence in finding his place in life, just in a more drastic way than jester; he pretty much hit rock bottom at the start of the campaign! he’s definitely projecting a little, but a lot of relationships are built on people projecting parts of themselves to others; it’s the easiest way to relate to another person. 

as an aside: it really is cool, and speaks to his development a ton, that caleb’s motives for helping the party have become a lot more altruistic than when i wrote the post above. he cares about them now, very, very deeply, and i have a lot of thoughts on why! this just isn’t the post for ‘em; maybe next time.

how he comforts her has changed too. before it was a lot of [ throw frumpkin at her and hope it fixes the problem ]; his attempts at bringing the party together were definitely more material in nature, compared to now.

it’s also really, really good to see jester slowly starting to see the “imperfections” in caleb ( the ones that caleb sees, anyway ), and accept them wholeheartedly. again! she is an extremely empathetic person, and once they understood each other it became a lot easier for her to actually provide the support he needed. 

it’s the subtle things; less jokes at his expense, and more ridiculous things in general. sharing porn with him because she thinks he’ll like it. and, a surplus of optimism about her outlook on life that seems to affect the top row a ton. 

they’re all in love with her. i can tell. that’s okay, jester has two hands and a tail ( i had to ). 

so, where are we now? it’s obvious enough to say that they’re friends, good friends at that! they care about each other a lot! caleb makes the softest faces at jester and jester grins so happily at him and they really do have a good thing going. 

i think the biggest change in caleb is that he trusts her enough to rely on her for things outside of her abilities. i think a lot about the conversation they had recently after talking to the scourger, and how caleb let himself be comforted by jester instead of denying her attempts completely. it speaks to the level of emotional vulnerability he is comfortable showing to the group now. 

that said: i definitely consider jester to be the group baseline for caleb. liam has mentioned multiple times that out of all of the nein, jester is the one person who he doesn’t want to share his past with. which, again, given the juxtaposition in their upbringing, makes a lot of sense! 

but the fact that he’s willing to be vulnerable with someone he didn’t want to be vulnerable is huge. the fact that he doesn’t see her optimism and ridiculousness as a weakness for the group, and instead looks to use them as strengths (how they use polymorph is a huge example) is very different than beginning-of-campaign caleb.

the biggest change in jester is that her worldview has expanded to understand what caleb needs, and how that might be different than what she needs. it wasn’t as huge strides for jester as it was for caleb, but i think that makes sense! a lot of jester’s development is internal, and reflects a lot about what she thinks of herself, whereas caleb’s development has been very external, and how he is beginning to view the people around him ( and allowing himself to be viewed ). 

but still! it’s huge! jester has two decades of solving problems a certain way, and being told that that way was all that she needed; but her ability to listen, comfort, and provide insight in ways that others in the group can’t thanks to her unique world view really helped shaped the types of conversations she had with him. 

a really, really simple way to say this is that jester started taking caleb a lot more seriously. which i think is hilarious, because you’d think that’d be more fitting for caleb’s thoughts on jester. but once she started reaching out to him to understand, the tone of their relationship changed. it seems less caleb-indulges-jester-on-nonsense and two equals who indulge each other on ridiculous nonsense, if that makes sense? 

oh that said: i do attribute a lot of caleb’s relationship changes with the party to the fact that he went through a lot of external development. definitely not the place for that here, maybe i’ll come back to it some day.

well i’m back and surprising no one i wrote like 2k words on critical role so welcome back, me. i’m rusty and rambly and i may have written things here that aren’t as poignant as i wish it was, so please forgive me if anything seems off!

[readbythestarlight]

c2e84

Wow, that was a surpassingly normal ad!

Oh boy here we go lore drop!

Therizdune the chained oblivion who is chained at the bottom of the abyss

"He’s basically the boogeyman" if the boogeyman was a HORRIBLE ELDRITCH MONSTER

...IS the boogeyman a horrible eldritch monster?! Oh god.

[[MORE]]

This is great and awful like terrible abyssal eldritch things that can creep into the world through gaps and rifts encourages people to be violent and awful

Also I’m so satisfied that the chains actually ended up being significant

Okay so Yussah knows a guy who we know knows Trent, so... that’s not cool. I mean o totally trust Yussah now it’s not that, it’s just can we trust Ormid?

So not all the Cerberus assembly is bad re: Yussah. But like he’s basically a hermit living in his tower, yeah? Who doesn’t go into the Empire? So like how out of touch is he?

"Trent seems just creepy" that’s putting it mildly

Money? Ball bearings? xD

Oh nice some of the Halas money

Oh Nott honey

Fjord being like "Nott? Caleb please talk to your goblin."

And they’re just all discussing it in the background

NOTT DO NOT

oh boy don’t like that

Oh dear...

"Your FACE is stupid" oh Nott

Lock the gem away somewhere

"You’ll still work at it and try?" Oh honey of course he will

I like how they handled that. They didn’t put Nott down, they gently reminded her that Halas can’t be trusted.

Oh I hope that doesn’t trigger Caleb

And I hope that didn’t just fuck them over with Halas maybe

Cad’s like "can we not?" and then just silencing everyone who keeps trying to talk to him

Y’all need to call your OTHER wizard friend (aka HOTT BOI) to let him know you’re fine and not dead or anything cause this is probably the longest he’s gone without hearing from you

"Everything’s been smoothed over" I wonder if Dairon had anything to do with that

I wonder where she is...

Also this is late cause he said it like ages ago but I love Cad’s little bits of homely wisdom, like the whole holes in a bucket metaphor.

PLATINUMMMMMMM

A WHOLE SATCHEL

TIME TO BUY A KEEP Y’ALL

Kidding I like the xhorhaus

Holy SHIT

21,000 gold??

That puts them at 350 platinum which is like 3,500 apiece NICE

Please def check in with Orli I miss him

I’m gonna insist they all get either matching M9 tattoos or Captain tusktooth tattooes

ORLIIIII

Oh my

Yeah a charisma bump is a good choice Nott xD

YOU ALL BETTER GET MATCHING TATTOOS

"chaos crew" lol

Imagine the stories those "new faces" have heard of the M9 from the older crew

1312 gold not bad!

Fuck y’all I love Orli! I missed him. I hope Fjord retires and goes back to sailing with Orli and the crew someday.

F: "Can I ask, how painful is this... procedure?"

O: "oh-ho-ho! Quite."

Oh lord

B: "Is that infected? Is that infected?!"

O: "No, he’s just a.....................Pansy."

Girls day!

Ohhh I like that idea Nott! Can’t wait to see the new art of that.

I like the start of the idea but the "like the Traveler’s hugging me" is slightly creepy to me. Idk.

BeauJester shippers just got a gift xD

Oh... Molly’s all seeing eye tattoo. My heart. Taliesin looks really touched.

Omg a nat1

Ouch fuck Matt you didn’t have to describe that

Matt’s like "here’s your pretty tattoo Nott, here’s your very lovely tattoo Jester, here’s your TOTALLY BOMBASS tattoo that goes all the way up the BACK OF YOUR SKULL Beau"

like I’m not saying Matt plays favorites but his wife’s character definitely got the coolest tattoo

Boy talk over fish and chips heck yeah

Mmm gonna get some deep talk from Caleb?

Caleb expressing that he feels like maybe they’ve been brought together for a purpose <3

Cad telling him he’s believed Caleb was meant for something important since the beginning

Caleb the green bean farmer

"The god’s plant us, plant their will and their desire, and we move towards the fruit we’re meant for bear for them." Aw that’s... sweet, Cad.

Fjord being like "idk man I’m still figuring it out" what a mood

Caleb admitting he feels like he should run away

"I have started to forget what it was like not being with you people. And we are missing one, I am stuck on the fact that we are still missing one."

I wish I was fast enough to transcribe word for word this conversation because it’s excellent

I like Fjord’s question of "when you know, do you run away or do the right thing knowing it could kill you"

C: "You two are alright."

Cad: "We’re getting better."

F: "So are you, you know, you should give yourself credit."

C: "Mm..."

Cad: "I know... just think about it."

(Wow my old Widofjord feelings just came back with a vengeance.)

Cad adding in his own encouraging words about how Caleb is growing and becoming better made me happy too

C: "I hate tattoos."

Nott in the distance: AHHHH

C: "they’re just not for me."

Cad: "they’re frowned upon in my family."

And then they go see the girls

"We brought fish and chips—what they fuck"

All the Jester ships are eating well tonight

I’m so glad Jester finally got her cool tattoo

Y’all don’t want to see mom and Yeza and Luc?

lol Jester "I didn’t tell my mom about the tattoo"

"I’ve seen parents find out their kids had tattoos literally at the funeral"

I literally could not tell if that was Cad or Taliesin sharing

You guys didn’t even say bye to Orli! YOU MONSTERS

Boy that talks blurb with Brian talk about Caleb is GOOD SHIT MAN

No Brian don’t stop please go on and on about Caleb

lol Matt getting himself in the face with the paper

I knew Dairon was the one who got them out of trouble <3

EXPOSITOR OUTFIT AYYYY

just got new official art and now Beau gets a new outfit and the girls get tattoos xD

B: "I apologize"

M9: "wwwwwoooooaaaaahhh"

And library access again yay!

HEYYYY DAIRON

Beau gets to be a role model now lol

Oh yikes... selling out the Kryn to the King... don’t like that

Vence... NewTHEYLESS??

I don’t like that

Everyone: *excited freaking about Beau’s expositor room*

Cad, a good 10 seconds behind: "You had a monk bunk."

Dairon admitting she realized her prejudices against the Kryn were wrong. You know what that is? Growth.

They’re all so proud of Expositor Beau

Caleb trying to do "normal" accents is amazing lol

I don’t want him to be split from the group but I definitely understand his concern

Scary world ending lore oh boy

Oh god I forgot about the gentleman being here...

YES NO DO NOT GO ALONE that’s a dumb idea honey Jester please

N about J: "well she convides in everybody. Just says whatever she wants to say all the time."

This whole Beau and Nott conversation is amazing xD

Fjord and Jester: talking

Beau and Nott: talking

Caduceus walking along and enjoying the group communicating and sharing their feelings

Is he an earth genasi?

That’s the second time another wizard has called Yussah a fool, poor guy

I like how Ormid’s like "who the fuck are these people" but he also trusts Yussah enough to listen to them that’s nice

Hmmm I don’t like that’s awfully suspicious

WHISPERSSSSS

He keeps coming back to the beacon and I don’t like it

So like.. what if he is in on the whole thing and is trying to steer them away from looking deeper into the beacon?

Jester honey why you go and name drop Trent?? Like fuck.

Also interesting that both the King and his council have been more aggressive and pro-war lately, and the Bright Queen is also bent on the conflict in a way that I’ve personally felt doesn’t seem to quite mesh with her character, it definitely lends towards the idea that they’re being manipulated

Ormid’s a bit of a dick, although I guess I can understand, they’re not explaining themselves super well

Hng idk how I feel about Ormid and I’m not sure that I like that he now knows Dairon is working to get an audience with the king

But then again I’m bad about telling which NPCs are trustworthy and which aren’t.

Ormid’s face when they mentioned the cat OH MY GOD

okay fine god now I have to trust him

"I know we are talking about very important things but" I’m dying

Y’all fixing to get a symbol of the Cerberus Assembly damn

I don’t necessarily LIKE Ormid not entirely trust him but he’s already

Insight check on Sprinkles to see if he wants to go back with Jester aw

lol getting pet advice from him maybe I like him a little bit

PUMAT SOOOOL

it’s been so long!

PUMAAAAT SOL

Guys I have missed Pumat so much he just brings me so much joy

Fetch quest for Pumat DO IT PLZ

Oh

Wait

Basilisk oil that’s maybe not a great idea

GO SAILING TO THE ISLANDS

They gotta go to islands for Traveler Con right is that close?

"Let me get it from CritRole stats" lol

Oh thank god health potions

Armor boost oil is neat (plus 1 to AC isn’t bad) but ouch it’s pricy

I love that they CANNOT keep money they get it and then they spend it. It’s #relatable

Uh.... what’s happening to my boy?!

Caduceus?!

MATT WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOY??

45 pats slashing??

WHAT IS HAPPENING

CADUCEUS

oh NO

fuck no

Is there a rift near?!

WHAT THE FUCK

The Inevitable End?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Evil assassin person??

45 points of damage fuck

This is bad

Sam: “WE’RE SHOPPING MATT” MOOD

23 doesn’t hit?!

Oh they’re in trouble

God DAMN I’m freaked out omg

Does he have The Invulnerable Vangrent as a map??

God what a cliffhanger

[disasterhumans]

All the posts about Nott, Caleb, and Beau flying around this morning have me thinking more generally about the growth and development we’ve seen from various characters throughout the entire group. I think in some ways Beau and Caleb are both the most different now than they were at the start of the campaign. Beau actually softens to people pretty easily, but she’s gone from person with a lot of self-professed moral apathy, to one of the only people in the group with a moral framework she consistently works at, and reminds the others of. She’s also worked really hard both to open up to the group (even if she still has to do it on a one-on-one basis for now), and to be someone dependable that people can come to with their own baggage. She’s gone from broadly being considered a liar, to genuinely being one of the most trustworthy members of the group. Caleb has gone from being incredibly self-centered and ready to leave the group at the moment, to the person to most frequently call the group a family. His selfishness hasn’t disappeared by any means, but it is far more often subsumed into the needs of the group, and he will sacrifice his own desires in order to further the wellbeing of the group. He’s gone from being extremely withdrawn and tight-lipped about himself, to being the most open and vulnerable member of the group.

But it’s really interesting to think about how Beau and Caleb both got to that point. Because while it definitely took time for them both to get where they are, it also didn’t quite happen organically. Caleb—at various turns—has been pushed into his openness and vulnerability. First with Beau in episode 18, but also by Nott in episode 27 (where she tries to get him to admit he loves the group), and again by Nott in episode 48. The confrontation between Nott and the rest of the group in episode 13 also contributed to a lot of Caleb’s early changes in how he interacted with the group. Without those big, specific moments (and also a lot of tense Team Human conversations along the way), I don’t think we’d have the Caleb we do right now. I imagine/hope Caleb would have slowly come to a similar place of loving and caring for the group so intensely, but without the big moments where he was challenged and backed into a corner, I don’t know if he would have ended up as open as he’s starting to be.

Beau, meanwhile, had her foundational sense-of-self rocked to its core by Molly’s death. She walked away from her conversation with Molly in episode 26 realizing just how much she’s willingly caused other people harm, and then after he died she made a strong executive decision to change that. As with Caleb, I think that she naturally would have ended up at that point on her own. Beau has always been good at apologizing, has always sought to seek self-improvement, and has always actively listened to the people around her when they offer constructive criticism. But I don’t know if she would have adopted such a strident moral code without Molly’s death. Not a quotable one, at least. Not one that she uses as an overt guide when she’s not sure what to do. And likely not one that she would consistently repeat to a group as a whole. That big moment propelled what might have been natural development further a lot faster.

Yasha also fits this pattern—it’s a bit harder to track her development due to Ashley’s absences (curse you, Blindspot), but she’s gone from being flighty and avoiding forming interpersonal bonds to sharing her story more-or-less willingly with the whole group. This happened after a couple very intense Stormlord-induced confrontations that forced her to acknowledge the strength her friends lend her. It has forced her to confront her feelings and fear about loss head-on.

But the big moments Fjord, Jester, and Nott have experienced haven’t quite cut into the crux of their personal flaws in the same way. And the three of them all have very similar flaws. Namely, they’re to people in the group most likely to lie, deflect, and obfuscate their feelings. I think Fjord started working through exactly what he wants (at least as far as his pact is concerned) during the Pirate Arc, but so much of the circumstances of that arc forced him to lie about how he was feeling (e.g. with Avantika), and deflect. This is especially true given he was predominantly experiencing a lot of uncertainty during that time. Fjord likes looking like he has his shit together, and so many of the big scary things that have happened with him have happened out of sight of the group. In the recent past he’s been getting better at opening up to Caduceus, but even this is because Caduceus has seen the aftermath of his dreams, and because there’s now a tie between them that plays into Fjord’s god-curiosity. I’m hoping this will grow into Fjord being more open with the rest of the group, especially now that Caleb has also confronted him, but this all remains up in the air.

And while it’s not as though no one has asked Jester how she’s doing, or talked to her about her tendency to obfuscate her feelings of sadness, she also hasn’t really been pushed. When she’s feeling distraught and questioning her faith after the Iron Shepherds Arc, the Traveler reassures her, but also does so by directly referencing her joy. Aside from her conversation with Beau after the blue dragon fight, there hasn’t been a huge external moment that challenged the way she hides behind her happiness. 

Nott’s big moments have also prompted her to double down on the ways she deflects and obfuscates. Nott deflects to cope—she has a hard time dealing with big emotions, so she plays them off. Nott was moved and clearly deeply affected by Molly’s death, but it didn’t get at one of her flaws in the same way it did with Beau. Nott has never had trouble admitting to loving or caring for others. Discovering Yeza had been captured prompts her to reveal her backstory to the group, but unlike with Caleb, keeping her past secret wasn’t really the thing holding her back with the group. Her biggest thing has always been that she tends not to be honest about herself in a more fundamental sense. The group certainly knows more of her and her complexity now, and being in Xhorhas has made her more comfortable with some aspects of herself, but she’s still not really being open and honest about her fears. She’s tried with Caleb, but she’s also in a place where she just wants him to fix it, more than trying to have a conversation about what her specific fears are and trying to have an actual conversation about that. 

And another problem, is that while Caleb and Beau are starting to get pretty good at interpersonal conversations—especially with each other—they are both also people inclined to deflecting and holding back. When someone comes to them they are good at having an open conversation. They’re both—especially Beau—getting pretty good at checking in with people. But they’re both also likely to let someone to deflect, or to wait for someone to return to them instead of following up on a difficult conversation. In some ways that’s good—I think it would be more of a detriment than anything for Caleb to try to push Fjord again—but in others it means that everyone is generally keeping up with their typical patterns.

And then there’s Caduceus, who falls outside of this in a lot of ways, but who also has his own trouble opening up. Part of Caduceus’ thing is that he is almost too easily comforted by the concept of destiny. I’m really genuinely happy that he’s not experiencing any trauma over literally dying. But the extent to which the Wildmother’s vision comforted him means that we also lost out on what might have been a productive conversation between him and Nott. Jester comforting him during the Pirate Arc was important and sweet, but it also meant we didn’t get much of an idea of what Caduceus wants from the group. The fact that Caduceus—for whatever reason—seems to be reluctant to open up to the group means that even while he is an important steadying and nurturing presence in the group, he feels at a remove from the rest of them in a lot of ways. And while his judgy-streak isn’t overt in exactly the same ways as Molly’s or Percy’s, he tends to carry himself in a way that can make him come across as a kind of moral authority that I imagine might make it difficult for people to feel like they can come to him with the uglier bits of themselves.

Every week we’re all exhorting the group to just talk to each other, but even when they try to, they’re all so frequently lying and deflecting—and believing each other’s lies and deflection. And I’m so fascinated by how everyone’s gotten to the places they are at, and where they’ll all go from this point on. As always, I hope that this bout in the tomb will prompt a larger group talk with Nott, but I’m nervous that it will take something in the drastic range of, say, Nott’s recklessness killing her or a (different) party member before that happens.